Spirals
by Attenia
Summary: Merlin is in high school with his best friends Gwen and Will. Everything seems perfect… until his world is turned upside down. Arthur Pendragon is a prat, undoubtedly. But Merlin is inexplicably drawn to the new boy. He is determined to know him better, no matter what the consequences. Warning: contains substance abuse (drugs and alcohol). Merthur. Modern AU. Happy ending.
1. P1, Ch1

"Merlin! Hey, over here!" Gwen hails him.

"Hey!" He jogs over towards her, grinning broadly. While Merlin spent the summer holidays working at the local café, Gwen got to go to Italy with her parents on holiday; the two best friends haven't seen each other in weeks.

Gwen beams excitedly as they hug quickly before joining the crowd heading into the school grounds. "So, how was your summer?" Merlin asks.

"It was great! We went to so many places. Mum and dad really loved it, too."

Merlin smiles sadly. He's not generally bothered by the fact that he's the only one in his class at Camelot High on scholarship, the only one who has to work in the summer and can't afford expensive holidays, but it sometimes just gets a bit lonely, being the one left out.

Gwen reads his expression at once and puts an arm around his shoulder. "It's good to see you again, Merlin," she says sincerely.

"You, too," he says.

They walk arm in arm towards their first class. Lancelot – one of Merlin's buddies from mathletes – greets him on his way to his locker, shouting over his shoulder that he'll see them at lunch. Merlin and Gwen take their usual seats in English and Gwen asks Merlin something, but he doesn't hear her.

He is staring at the person sitting in the front row, his head bent over his book. The boy is big and blonde and undeniably beautiful. That isn't why Merlin is staring, though. Something draws him to the boy, something he can't explain – like they're opposite sides of a magnet, irresistibly drawn to each other.

As Merlin watches, Bruce slouches over to the new boy's desk. "You're Arthur Pendragon?" he drawls.

The boy nods.

"Good. Coach says good things about you. First practice is this afternoon."

"Alright," Arthur says, smiling confidently.

Bruce claps him on the back and walks off.

Of course. Football. Merlin should have known. Fate hates him too much to cut him a break now. Arthur will be hanging out with the cool football kids; he won't be caught dead talking to the likes of Merlin and Gwen.

"Merlin? Earth to Merlin, is anyone there?" Gwen is waving a hand jokingly in front of his face, though looking rather concerned.

"Yes, I'm fine," he says, but he can't stop his eyes flicking to Arthur. Unfortunately, Gwen is too observant to miss this.

"Oh no, Merlin," she sighs, reading the look in his instantly. She really does know him too well.

"I can't help it," he mutters, even now resisting the weird magnetic pull that urges him to go over to Arthur.

"Merlin, there are plenty of guys here," Gwen says. "The football guys are all jerks, you know that. Will is crazy about you – why don't you ask him on a date? Don't waste your time with him." She rolls her eyes in Arthur's direction and Merlin has the urge to defend him, but he knows Gwen is right. The cool kids are all the same. Arthur wouldn't even look at Merlin.

"Will's my friend," he says. "I only like him as a friend."

"Merlin, I just don't want you getting hurt," Gwen says softly.

"I know," he says, and forces his eyes away from Arthur. He'll just have to ignore the strange pull between them. How hard can that be?

Throughout the week, Merlin watches Arthur covertly, and he is surprised by what he sees. Yes, Arthur hangs out with the football players and cheerleaders. He certainly seems arrogant and prattish enough for the part. Yet Merlin can't shake the suspicion that it is all some kind of act.

Arthur never participates in bullying other students and is respectful towards his teachers, working hard in class. Not only that, but he's smart and thoughtful. Of course, most of that is buried under his attempt to fit in with his teammates, but thanks to Merlin's stalking, he sometimes sees flashes of who he thinks Arthur really is.

Merlin seizes his chance in the first chemistry class of the year. None of his friends are in this class with him, so he usually sits alone at a desk for two. Arthur won't know where to sit, and Merlin is quivering on the edge of his seat, waiting to pounce as soon as the new boy sets foot inside the classroom.

Arthur walks casually inside, looking around, not looking quite as lost or unsure as Merlin would have liked, but it's still evident that he doesn't know where he's supposed to sit. None of the football jocks have the brains to do chemistry, so he's on his own.

"Hey, over here!" Merlin says, probably a bit more loudly than he had intended. "You can come sit with me."

Immediately, his insides seem to shrivel with embarrassment. Who does he think he is? Arthur wouldn't be seen dead sitting with him. Sure, the choice is pretty limited in their small chemistry class, but Merlin is sure Arthur would rather take his chances with an empty desk and see who comes to sit next to him.

Even as Merlin flushes right down from his hairline to his neck, Arthur meets his eyes and smiles in a way that Merlin can only interpret as… friendly. To his shock, Arthur comes straight towards Merlin and sits down in the chair next to him.

"Thanks," he says. "I'm Arthur, by the way."

"M – Merlin," Merlin stammers, trying desperately not to act like a complete fool. The magnetic sort of pull that draws him to Arthur is even stronger with Arthur sitting right next to him. Merlin wants to hug him and kiss him and learn all of his deepest secrets all at once. Getting a firm grip on himself, Merlin starts with the basics. Deepest secrets will have to wait.

"So, you're new here. Why did you move?"

It was the wrong question to ask. Arthur had been looking at him with curious expression, tinged with something else Merlin can't identify. As soon as Merlin opens his big mouth, though, he knows it was a mistake. Arthur's features morph into something hard and sad, and his eyes seem to dim as his face closes off.

"It's a long story," he says shortly, and Merlin is too worried he will upset Arthur further to ask him anything else. Still, he grins smugly as the other desks fill up. Now that everyone has chosen their seats for the year, Arthur is stuck with him, whether he likes it or not.

To Merlin's great surprise, Arthur doesn't seem to hate his guts for his previous question, as he makes an effort to continue the conversation. "So, have you been here long?"

"A couple of years," Merlin says cheerfully, while thinking _Oh my God oh my God oh my God he's talking to me!_ "Some of the subjects are a drag, but it's alright, really."

"That's good," Arthur says, before lapsing into awkward silence. He's not at all like Merlin expected. While he seems confident with his football buddies, Arthur doesn't seem to know what to say to Merlin any more than Merlin knows what to say to him. That's aside from the _huge_ fact that Arthur will even consent to look at him. Maybe he simply hasn't learned the unspoken rules of the different groups, but somehow, Merlin doesn't think so. He knew it. Arthur is different.

They don't say anything more meaningful than "Please pass the thermometer," for the rest of the class, but Merlin is still buzzing by the end of it. He hurries to the cafeteria to talk to Gwen.

"Oh no," she says after getting one look at him. "I know that face. I'm not going to like this, am I?"

Merlin proceeds to tell her everything that occurred in the last hour – though leaving out the electric current that seemed to start up between Arthur and himself after the first twenty minutes, in the interests of maintaining an appearance of sanity.

Gwen doesn't seem fooled. "Oh Merlin," she sighs.

"He's different," Merlin insists.

"Maybe, Merlin, maybe. But don't you think you could just be seeing what you want to see? I mean, it'll be wonderful if he turns out to be a great guy… but I don't want you getting hurt. And this situation screams 'heart break' all over it."

As much as he hates to admit it, Merlin can see her point. He's always been careful about whom he makes friends with, knowing how quickly people can turn on each other here, but something about Arthur seems to send his caution flying away.

He glances over at the football table to see Arthur laughing with Bruce and some of his cronies. Merlin frowns, wondering why Arthur is hanging out with them at all. True, he doesn't laugh when Bruce trips Sarah on her way to her table, sending her food sprawling all over the floor, but he doesn't protest, either.

Merlin sighs. Gwen's right. Arthur is just a slightly more civilised brand of the same type of bully.

"You're right," he says, his heart sinking at the words.

Gwen smiles sadly at him before settling for distraction. "So, are you going to help me with that calculus homework, or what?"

Merlin just reaches over for her book and starts explaining, pleased to get back into the familiar ritual.

He manages not to think of Arthur for the rest of the day and does his best not to notice when he goes off with the rest of the football team for practice. Merlin heads to the library, planning to do some research for an extra credit English project he's doing. He and his teacher discussed it last year, and now seems the perfect time to start – first day of school or not, his mind clearly needs some distracting.

He spends about half an hour skimming through books before a spot at one of the computers opens up and he takes what notes he's made so far to continue his search online. It is two hours after school ended that Merlin finally gets up; the library is practically empty by now. He slings his bag over his shoulder and makes a quick detour to the bathroom before he catches the bus home.

Without really knowing why, Merlin slows as he gets closer to the bathroom. He can hear something from inside, though he isn't sure what. He edges closer, putting his eye to the crack between the door and the wall.

He freezes in shock at what he sees. Arthur is leaning over the sink, shaking with sobs. Merlin can't breathe, afraid that any movement will alert Arthur to his presence. He feels such a strong pull to go and comfort him that Merlin has to hold onto the door handle to stop himself from moving; Arthur surely won't react kindly to being discovered.

As Merlin watches, Arthur takes two deep breaths before leaning down to splash his face with water. Merlin hurries away, his mind buzzing, wanting to be gone before Arthur finds him alone in the corridor.

He swings by the changing rooms – a place he usually avoids at all costs – to see that most of the football players are still hanging around, chatting. They seem relaxed and cheerful; clearly, nothing happened at practice. Arthur must have hurried to get away from them afterwards so that he could have his breakdown in private. What he could be upset about, though, Merlin has no idea.

As Merlin walks slowly to the bus stop, he knows one thing for certain: he wasn't wrong. There is something very different about Arthur Pendragon. Whether it is wise for Merlin to be drawn to him or not is inconsequential; he is, and there's nothing he can do about it. He can't get Arthur out of his mind any more than he can fail the upcoming calculus test.

Merlin steps onto the bus, more determined than ever to know him better.

To be continued

Please review! :)


	2. P1, Ch2

Merlin arrives at school early on the second day of term. He told his mum he wanted to get ahead with his work – not that she really believed him; Merlin is always ahead on his work anyway – but the real reason is something he isn't keen to admit, not even to himself.

He positions himself on a bench so that he can clearly see everyone coming through the doors of Camelot High without them easily spotting him watching. He wonders if Arthur will arrive seconds before the bell like the rest of his new group of friends usually do, but – not entirely to his surprise – Merlin sees Arthur's already familiar shape coming through the doors not much more than ten minutes after he has sat down.

Merlin follows Arthur with his eyes, but doesn't have the courage to approach him in person. He just watches as Arthur goes to his locker and gets his books. Arthur looks tired, as though he didn't sleep well. His shoulders slump and his expression is sad.

Bruce strides past, clapping Arthur on the back, and Arthur answers jovially, a wide smile lighting his face. Merlin is half sure he imagined Arthur looking sad a moment ago… though he can't suppress the suspicion that Arthur is just putting on a huge show for reasons known best to himself.

"Hey, you." Merlin jumps as Gwen's hands descend on his shoulders. Her grin slides off her face as she looks at him and follows his gaze. "Please tell me you're not spying on Arthur," she begs.

"Um…" Merlin glances away uncomfortably.

"Really, Merlin, what am I going to do with you?"

He just grins and shrugs. "Come on, let's get to class."

For the rest of the day, Merlin stalks Arthur, doing everything except skipping out on classes to watch him. He approaches chemistry with much more enthusiasm than usual, knowing he's going to be sitting next to Arthur.

Arthur arrives first and has a relaxed smile ready on his face as the rest of the class enters. Merlin is nervous sitting down, as though Arthur can somehow sense that Merlin saw him crying yesterday. Arthur's greeting, however, is completely normal, and he quickly strikes up a conversation.

Merlin is surprised by how easy it is to talk to him. He relaxes quickly and is soon observing Arthur keenly as he speaks. Merlin tries in vain to see whatever is behind the façade Arthur puts up, but Arthur seems to be a master; he doesn't waver once. Merlin teeters on the edge of mentioning yesterday when he saw Arthur, but restrains himself.

They are doing more practical experiments, so Arthur and Merlin are free to talk as they work. They laugh and chat, getting on like they've known each other for years.

"Hey, you know, you could sit with me and my friend Gwen at lunch, if you want," Merlin offers in a fit of confidence, internally cringing as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

To his credit, Arthur doesn't sneer or cringe, or in any way act like the bullying jocks he sits with. His face takes on for a second what Merlin can only describe as a wistful expression before shaking his head. "I think I'm expected to sit with the other football players, since I'm on the team with them. It may cause problems if I don't."

Disappointed, but not wanting to cause Arthur any problems, Merlin nods and quickly changes the subject.

He hurries to lunch to tell Gwen everything. Nice person that she is, Gwen pretends interest in Merlin's slightly obsessive stalking of Arthur, asking questions about what he has observed and not even looking at him like he's crazy. Really, he doesn't know what he'd do without Gwen.

Merlin has mathletes after school that day, and while it is usually something he looks forward to, today he's seriously considering pretending to be sick to get off – he'd much rather use the time spying on Arthur. As pathetic as this is, Merlin is still tempted, but finally responsibility wins out and he finds himself walking into the maths classroom with Lancelot, considerably less enthusiastic than he usually is. For once, he stays at the back of the group, not participating much, wondering what Arthur is doing now. There is no football practice today – no, Merlin _hasn't_ memorised the schedule they have taped to the notice board – so he has no idea where Arthur is.

Finally, after a very long hour – and some rather cross looks from his classmates, who are not impressed by his lack of participation – Merlin escapes to the library, hoping to find Arthur there.

He's in luck – Arthur is bent over a large pile of books, studiously doing his homework. Merlin doesn't go to sit next to him – he suspects that Arthur won't like it, that it will damage his fake image with the team that he is so trying to keep up.

Instead, he sits a few tables behind and starts his own work. Merlin usually works at home when he doesn't need the school's fast internet, but the lure of watching Arthur is too much. He still feels unfortunately drawn to him – if anything, it's only gotten worse.

When Arthur leaves, Merlin waits a few minutes before getting up to follow him. He expects Arthur to be picked up at the gates – almost everyone at Camelot High has private drivers who ferry them back and forth from school – but to his surprise, Arthur heads towards the bus.

Reasoning that Arthur won't mind his company when there are no witnesses from his group of 'friends' – they would have all gone home when school ended, you'd never catch them dead in the library – Merlin hurries to get a seat next to him.

"Hey," he says casually, dropping into the chair next to Arthur.

"Hey," he replies.

The two sit in comfortable silence for a minute before Arthur speaks. "Don't your parents pick you up?" That's the polite way of asking if his filthy rich parents don't hire drivers to cater to his every whim.

"No." Arthur's mouth tightens slightly, and he doesn't elaborate further. Merlin examines the slightly distressed expression on Arthur's face. His family certainly has the money to hire him a car – the way Arthur dresses just screams money, aside from the fact that Camelot High is the most expensive high school for miles around.

Merlin wonders if Arthur has problems with his family. Why else would he once again have that unbearably sad expression on his face? Merlin debates asking him about it, but decides against it. He doesn't want to push Arthur too hard, not when they barely know each other.

Arthur gets off a stop before Merlin, bidding him goodbye, sounding relatively cheerful again, but Merlin doesn't trust the tone. He doesn't know why Arthur's working so hard to put on some kind of mask, trying so hard to fit in with kids who are clearly not like him at all, but he's determined to find out.

He cringes as he hears Gwen's voice in his head, reprimanding him for prying into Arthur's personal business.

_It's not like that,_ Merlin argues with his inner Gwen. _He's not happy. If I can work out what's going on, maybe I can help him…_

The inner Gwen frowns at him and Merlin ignores her, staring out of the window.

The next week passes quickly, a pattern soon emerging. Merlin still covertly watches Arthur as often as he can. His mathlete friends quickly become even more annoyed with him, and Gwen sighs and laughs tolerantly, sure that Merlin is just going through some strange phase.

He doesn't bother to correct her, not least because he couldn't explain it properly if he tried. How can he put into words the strange pull that seems to draw him towards Arthur? How can he explain the overwhelming desire to look after him, to make sure he's safe and happy? It doesn't make sense, even to him.

Merlin and Arthur continue to get along well in chemistry, though Arthur still shies away from any suggestion of further contact where they could be seen by Arthur's 'friends'. Merlin always puts the words in inverted commas in his head, because he's sure Arthur feels little affection for them, but he's no closer to working out why Arthur hangs out with them.

He sees Arthur crying a few more times. Arthur is very careful, and Merlin is sure he is the only one who's noticed – seeing as he's the only one who seems to have some kind of stalkerish infatuation with Arthur. He longs to comfort him, but somehow always holds himself back.

Arthur is still very guarded, but as the weeks progress, he seems to get more comfortable with Merlin, even opening up slightly at times, albeit for very small things at first.

They are sitting in chemistry as usual, a few weeks since the start of term and Merlin is scarfing down his sandwich, having not had time to eat it at lunch, too busy helping Gwen frantically cram for the calculus test.

Arthur laughs, watching. "I can see you didn't make that," he says, gesturing to the impeccably orderly lunch box on Merlin's desk. Arthur must have seen the state of Merlin's locker by now – it's hard not to when its contents are exploding onto Merlin's head at least once every few days.

"My mum made it," Merlin says, taking another huge bite.

Arthur suddenly looks sad again, but Merlin knows better than to ask. Every time he asks Arthur something even vaguely personal, Arthur shuts down completely and it's days before the two of them are talking freely again.

"Does she always make you lunch?" Arthur asks.

"Yep, every day," Merlin says, wondering where this is going.

"That's nice," Arthur says, staring at Merlin's sandwich. Merlin is on the verge of offering it to him – Arthur is staring at it with such longing – when Arthur speaks again. "My mother's dead."

He doesn't look at Merlin and his shoulders are tense.

"I'm sorry," Merlin says gently, putting his hand hesitantly on Arthur's shoulder, relieved when the other boy doesn't shrug it off. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about," Arthur says, his voice rough. "She died when I was born. I never knew her."

Arthur seems to think he's said too much, because he abruptly changes the subject, shutting down again, though this time it was he who said too much rather than Merlin. Merlin is patient, not pushing at all, knowing that things will go back to normal in a day or two.

Merlin can't stop thinking about Arthur, even when he's at home. It's as though his whole life is spiralling inwards in an ever tightening circle, with Arthur at the centre. He can't escape; he doesn't want to.

It is a week or two later that Merlin sees Arthur crying again. He's beginning to wonder at the number of times this happens. Even with how much he stalks Arthur, it's surely not natural. It's as though some kind of invisible tie draws him to Arthur unconsciously whenever he's upset.

Merlin is sitting in English when the need to get a drink of water overcomes him, even though he drank at lunch. After getting permission to leave, he finds his feet taking him to the bathroom nearest the history class rather than the English one.

He's getting used to this – his mind and body messing with him, bringing him to Arthur whether he likes it or not. More often than not, this is when Arthur is upset, and today is no exception. Merlin hears Arthur's soft sniffling as he gets closer to the bathroom.

Arthur is leaning over the sink again, his face red and puffy, crying his heart out. Merlin knows what Arthur's like, knows he wouldn't want anyone to see him, but weeks of resisting have broken down all of Merlin's resistance. The urge to comfort Arthur is too great. He quietly lets himself in and walks over to Arthur.

He means to put a hand on Arthur's shoulder – something as non-invasive as possible – but Arthur's misery takes hold of his brain and before he can stop himself, Merlin is wrapping his arms around Arthur, resting his head on the boy's shoulder.

"It's ok, Arthur," he whispers, hugging him from behind.

Merlin doesn't know what he expected, but he reflects later that he shouldn't have been surprised – he knows how guarded Arthur is.

Arthur's eyes fly to the mirror and he sees Merlin over his shoulder. He jerks up and pushes Merlin, hard. Merlin crashes into the stall door, barely managing to stay upright.

"Leave me alone!" Arthur yells, his angry voice echoing all over the room. He gives Merlin one venomous look before stalking out.

Merlin shakily gets to his feet, feeling miserable. He had thought he and Arthur were starting to be friends. Even if Arthur didn't want Merlin comforting him, Merlin had never expected Arthur to become that violent and angry. Merlin rubs his aching elbow where it smashed into the wood of the stall door.

"Fine," he mutters, striding out. If Arthur's going to be like that, then maybe he isn't the person Merlin hoped he was. Gwen was right, Merlin should cut his losses and forget all about the strange new boy.

Angrily wiping tears from his face, he goes back to class.

To be continued


	3. P1, Ch3

For the first time in weeks, Merlin doesn't look for Arthur as he goes to class. Gwen notices his preoccupation, but is tactful enough not to say anything about it. Of course, Merlin can't help catching glimpses of Arthur, but he resists looking at him full on, resolutely ignoring him.

In chemistry, Merlin hurries to arrive early so that he is seated and firmly engrossed in his text book when Arthur arrives. He is prepared for teasing and abuse – basically, for Arthur to have finally accepted who he is; one of the bullies, the bad guys. Instead, Arthur is silent as he puts his bag down. Merlin keeps reading, resisting the urge to watch out of the corner of his eye.

"Merlin?" Arthur's voice is soft and tentative. Merlin ignores him, anger and hurt from yesterday still forefront in his mind.

"I'm sorry," Arthur says. "I overreacted. I had no right to push you or to shout at you. I hope you weren't too hurt. I'm really sorry, Merlin."

Merlin's resolve wavers. Arthur sounds so sincerely penitent, it takes everything Merlin has not to turn around and forgive him. But he knows that Gwen was right. Arthur is bad news. Merlin thought he was different, but in the end he treated Merlin just as any of the other football crowd would have.

It was worse from Arthur than it would have been from any of them because – as much as he hates to admit it – Merlin actually cares for Arthur. He's not going to get hurt again, that he promises himself. So he studiously ignores Arthur, promising himself that he'll swap desks with someone at the next opportunity.

It seems, however, that this is not meant to be. No less than five minutes into the lesson, their teacher is handing out thick booklets – their first project for the year. The project is a big one – it'll count ten percent towards their final mark.

What has Merlin scowling in annoyance is that it is to be done in pairs, and Mr Grenter announces that they will work with their desk partner.

Merlin silently curses. It'll take weeks to finish the stupid thing. There's a large practical element, as well as a long essay on their findings.

"We can go to my house," Arthur says hesitantly, sounding much less sure of himself than he usually does. "I have the necessary equipment there, and it'll be very full here waiting for other groups to finish."

"Alright," Merlin sighs, knowing that the sooner they finish, the sooner he can go back to ignoring Arthur. Arthur looks so sadly at Merlin that Merlin has to look away before he tries to comfort Arthur again – they both know how _that_ will go.

"After school today?" he asks.

"Yes," Arthur agrees. "Meet at the bus stop?"

Merlin nods. They spend the rest of the lesson exchanging only what words are necessary for their project. Merlin feels quite bad for Arthur – he does look really sorry – but he's still hurt and he doesn't trust Arthur anymore.

After school when Merlin gets to the bus stop, Arthur is already waiting for him. They spend the journey in silence and Merlin follows Arthur from the bus stop to his huge mansion of a house.

Arthur opens the door and gestures for Merlin to go in first. Merlin tries not to be impressed by the splendour of the house, but it's very hard. Arthur leads him up a flight of stairs and down a long corridor. On the left, one door is open and a stern-looking man is sitting at a desk, surrounded by papers.

"Hello, father," Arthur says.

The man simply grunts, not looking up. Merlin's eyes widen. His family has never been right up there in terms of money, but he's always received unconditional love from both of his parents, so much that he assumes it's the norm. Looking at Arthur's father's disinterested look – and the familiar sad look on Arthur's face – Merlin finds his heart breaking for Arthur, completely forgetting that he's supposed to be angry with him.

"That's your father?" he whispers as they continue down the hall.

"Uther," Arthur says, nodding.

Merlin wants to ask if Uther is always so cold, but he doesn't quite know how to phrase it. They are at the end of the corridor when the bell downstairs rings.

"I'll get it," Arthur says, turning and jogging back downstairs. Merlin stands awkwardly on the spot for a minute before wandering towards the nearest open room. Going inside, he sees that everything is impeccably neat. The bed has a light blue and pink cover over it and on the bedside table there is a photo in an ornate frame.

Merlin leans down to see Arthur arm in arm with a beautiful, dark haired girl. They are laughing together, Arthur's face more open than Merlin has ever seen it in reality. He glances around the room – it clearly belongs to someone, but it doesn't look like anyone's been here in weeks.

"Merlin!"

Merlin gasps as he turns to see Arthur towering in the doorway, looking furious.

"Get out of there," he growls. Merlin scurries after him into a room that must be Arthur's, and Arthur slams the door behind him.

"I'm sorry!" Merlin says. "I didn't mean to pry, really, I'm sorry…"

Arthur doesn't seem to be listening to him. His hands are braced against the small desk in the room and he seems to be shaking slightly.

"Arthur?" Merlin doesn't dare approach him, but hovers anxiously by the doorway.

"It's not your fault," Arthur says eventually, taking a deep breath. "You weren't to know that room is out of bounds. I am sorry for shouting at you."

Arthur sinks into a chair by the desk, his face set in lines of misery. Merlin cautiously lowers himself into the chair opposite.

"Arthur?"

He doesn't say anything else, wary of Arthur pulling away again. At this moment, all anger at Arthur is washed away and he feels only pain at Arthur's misery.

Arthur closes his eyes and begins to talk, sounding like the words are being dragged from him, as though it takes a great effort to show even this small bit of trust.

"She was my sister, Morgana," Arthur says softly. "We were very close as children – you've seen what my father's like, we never got any love from him. Morgana was my only family, the only one I..."

Arthur trails off, but Merlin can read the words in his silence. The only one Arthur trusted, the only one to show him any love in a cold, impersonal household.

"When she was eighteen, she got into drugs," Arthur says flatly. "She died a year later – accidental overdose. That's why we moved. My father insisted – he couldn't stand the shame of having a druggie daughter. He wanted to get away from the neighbours." Arthur's face twists in anger as he talks of his father.

"I did that room for her when we moved," Arthur says. "I wanted – " He shuts his mouth suddenly, as though just now realising how much he has said.

"You wanted to have a piece of her here," Merlin says softly. Arthur doesn't say anything, but Merlin can see the assent in his eyes.

Merlin longs to reach out and comfort Arthur – who looks like he is only just holding back tears – but he forces himself to stay put, not wanting to make things worse. He looks into Arthur's eyes as everything falls into place.

The only person who ever showed Arthur any love left him alone, and unable to trust or confide in anyone. No wonder he so wants to be in with the football crowd – Merlin knows the camaraderie that they have. Of course Arthur would be drawn to that, to that sort of affection and acceptance he's never gotten from anywhere.

Merlin wishes he could tell Arthur that it's not worth it, that no matter how much he craves acceptance and love, the people he's hanging around with aren't like him, he'll never get happiness from them. But Arthur has clearly made up his mind that he will suffer as much as he as to, if he can only be accepted into the group, and Merlin doesn't want to upset him any further.

"We should get started," Arthur says abruptly.

Merlin nods, still slightly dazed. He helps Arthur get out the necessary equipment and get started, chatting normally once again. Any awkwardness after the incident in the bathroom seems to have dissipated and it feels once again like Arthur and Merlin are friends.

Their conversation turns to some of the funnier things they've witnessed on the bus to and from school – you really get all sorts using public transport.

"I'm surprised you use the bus at all, actually," Merlin says jokingly. "No private driver."

Arthur laughs harshly. "My father doesn't care enough about me to show his face at dinner, let alone make sure I have a driver to get where I need to. He's never approved of anyone in his life – nothing is ever good enough for him, no matter what I do."

He suddenly freezes, as though just realising what he said. Merlin is silent, not wanting to spook Arthur.

"I talk too much around you," Arthur mutters.

"Arthur, it's fine. You don't talk too much, really."

"No, that's not it," Arthur says, not meeting Merlin's eyes. "It's… it's too easy to be honest with you. I'm not usually this open…"

"I've noticed," Merlin says dryly. "It's ok to be open, though, Arthur."

Arthur is looking at Merlin with wide eyes and Merlin's instincts suddenly take over. He leans forward, closer and closer. Their faces are only inches apart. He can feel Arthur's breath on his face. Arthur's eyes flutter closed and he leans in too, seemingly without meaning to.

Their lips meet in a kiss. Merlin moans and pushes forward, his hand cupping the back of Arthur's neck, pulling him closer. Arthur responds eagerly for a second, but then suddenly his body stiffens and he pulls away abruptly.

"I'm sorry, Merlin, I can't," he says, his eyes wide and panicked.

"It's ok, I understand," Merlin says gently, burying his disappointment, because he really does understand. How can he expect Arthur to trust when the one person he trusted left him? How can he expect Arthur to abandon the persona he's fallen into when he's so desperate for acceptance and affection, and believes that sticking with the football jocks is the only way to get it? He can't, of course he can't.

"Come on, let's keep going with this," Merlin says, gesturing to the equipment spread out before them. They quickly fall back into their usual pattern with a few jokes and casual conversation. Merlin leaves a couple of hours later, smiling from ear to ear.

"What's got you so happy?" his mum asks as he walks in.

"Nothing," Merlin says, still grinning widely. Hunith chuckles, happy to see her son happy. "Your dad's going away for a few weeks for work," she says. "I thought I'd cook his favourite meal for supper tonight and we'd have a bit of a farewell party."

"Sounds great, mum," Merlin says. His dad doesn't often go away for work, so it's not too bad. Merlin wonders what it must be like having a dad who doesn't care about you. His face falls as he thinks about Arthur's life, so vastly different to his own.

Over the next two weeks, Merlin keeps going to Arthur's house after school. Arthur seems happier when he's with Merlin, and finds it easier to talk openly to him. Merlin doesn't try to kiss Arthur again, not that it's far from his mind. He always finds himself grinning giddily after spending time with Arthur. He never tries to contact him at school except in chemistry, knowing that Arthur wants to keep up his façade, but his happiness still shines through.

"Merlin, I need to talk to you."

Merlin frowns at Gwen's uncharacteristically solemn expression. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong is that my best friend is falling in love and isn't bothering to tell me about it."

Merlin chokes on his sandwich. "_What?_"

"Merlin, it's as plain as day," she says gently. "I've never seen you like this."

Merlin stares past her, trying to process her words. If truth be told, he deliberately hasn't examined his feelings, knowing nothing can ever come of them, not with Arthur being as he is. Still, he doesn't bother denying it; Gwen knows him too well.

"I can't stop thinking about him," he says. "It's like he's a black hole and I'm a helpless planet, spiralling inwards towards him and I'm passed his event horizon."

Gwen laughs at Merlin's description, squeezing his hand fondly. "I knew it," she says.

"You're right," Merlin admits. "I'm in love with Arthur Pendragon."

To be continued


	4. P1, Ch4

It's been a few weeks since Arthur and Merlin started working on their chemistry project. In truth, they are spending way more time on it than strictly necessary. Half the time Arthur and Merlin just sit in Arthur's room and talk.

It is a Friday afternoon when Merlin comes over that Arthur suggests they take the day off. Merlin agrees quickly and Arthur gets them drinks from the fridge. Uther isn't there, for which Merlin is grateful.

"Really, Merlin, my father isn't going to bite you," Arthur drawls as Merlin peeks nervously towards the study door. He sounds amused.

"Your father's scary," Merlin mutters, and Arthur doesn't disagree. "You should come to my house sometime," Merlin says once they are seated in Arthur's room. "I mean – it's nothing like this, very small and there aren't ten different kinds of soda… but my parents will like you."

Arthur smiles, understanding that what Merlin means is it will be good for him to be exposed to some parental love. Arthur has gotten more comfortable talking to Merlin in the last few weeks, but he still often withdraws when Merlin goes too far, so Merlin communicates subtly as much as he can, leaving Arthur the option of pretending he doesn't understand if he isn't comfortable.

They spend a few hours talking, Arthur getting a few texts on his phone.

"Who is it?" Merlin asks.

"Bruce," Arthur mumbles, but doesn't say anything else. He looks worried, but Merlin can tell from the tense set of his shoulders that Arthur isn't open to talking about it now. He'll have to ask later, when Arthur is more relaxed. Merlin changes the subject, and after a few minutes, Arthur puts down his phone.

Merlin gets home from Arthur's house, feeling unaccountably cheerful. True, Arthur's house is a pretty grim place to be in, even when Uther isn't there, but the two of them had a good time. Arthur had seemed to get quiet towards the end, as though something was bothering him.

Finally, Merlin left, realising that Arthur wanted to be alone. They've been spending so much time together that they are already ahead with their chemistry project, so Merlin isn't worried about that. His mum is working late – she'll only be home after ten – so he decides to cook a nice supper for when she gets back. His father should be getting back soon – he'll probably only be away for another week or so.

As Merlin is pottering around in the kitchen, the bell rings three times in quick succession. Frowning, knowing that they aren't expecting anyone, Merlin goes to open the door.

Arthur is pale and shaking, and his eyes are more wide and scared than Merlin has ever seen them.

"Arthur! What's wrong?"

"Can I come in?" Arthur asks softly, not meeting Merlin's eyes.

"Of course," Merlin says, ushering Arthur over the doorstep and onto the couch, closing the door behind him.

"What is it?" he asks urgently, sitting down beside Arthur. "Is it your father? Did he do something to you? What happened?"

Arthur shakes his head jerkily. "Nothing has happened. Not really. I just… Merlin, I don't think I can do this anymore."

Merlin is frozen in place. Arthur has never been this open, this vulnerable with him. What could drive him to this, Merlin hates to think. Something must be really wrong to break through all of Arthur's careful, anti-trust barriers.

"I'm not like them," Arthur says, his voice shaking. "The football players, the cheerleaders, I'm not one of them. They can sense it, I'm sure of it. They keep wanting me to do things, things that aren't me, and I can't, but then they'll realise… I need them to accept me, Merlin," he says desperately. "I know it sounds stupid, but acceptance into their little group is the only thing I have, and I can't – I can't –"

He tries to take a deep breath, but can't seem to get enough oxygen. Arthur gasps, panicking, his head spinning.

"Arthur. Arthur, listen to me." Merlin's hands are on his shoulders and Arthur's vision swims back into focus. "You don't need them," Merlin says slowly and calmly. "Ok? I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't need to keep pretending, they don't have to accept you. I accept you, I always will. You're going to be fine. Just breathe, Arthur. Just breathe."

Arthur's wide eyes are locked onto Merlin's as Merlin gently squeezes his shoulders. Somehow, Merlin's calm words wriggle their way into Arthur's panicked mind and his lungs fill with air as he can suddenly breathe again. Then he does something he has never before been able to do: he falls forward into Merlin's arms, sobbing unrestrainedly, for the first time in his life, surrendering himself completely to the care of another.

Merlin holds Arthur tightly, rubbing soothing circles on his back. By the way Arthur clings to him, Merlin realises that he's never had anyone show him any kind of physical or emotional care when he's upset. Merlin bites back tears of his own as he lets Arthur cry himself out.

All of the times Merlin has seen Arthur secretly crying seem to come out, now. All of the pressure of trying to fit in, of desperately trying to earn some of the acceptance that he never had at home – it all finally seems to come crashing down on Arthur. The terror of being rejected and hated – a terror so great that it forced Arthur to spend weeks pretending to be someone he's not – has left him a shaking wreck, with only Merlin to comfort him.

Merlin doesn't know what happened, and he doesn't need to. Maybe it was something as small as one silly text from Bruce, inviting Arthur to some stupid party he didn't want to go to. One drop of water too many, and the dam burst.

Finally, Arthur exhausts himself and falls asleep, sprawled over Merlin's lap. Merlin leans down and kisses his blonde head before starting to extract himself, intending to continue making supper. Arthur, however, shifts in his sleep, unconsciously clinging to Merlin. Merlin leans back against the couch, his hands back on Arthur's back. If Arthur needs him to, Merlin will sit here holding him in his sleep all night.

Merlin must have dozed off on the sofa, as he jerks awake when the door opens. His mum comes in, looking quizzically at Arthur; his face is still red and puffy from crying.

"Hi, mum," Merlin whispers, not wanting to wake Arthur. "This is Arthur."

He silently prays that his mum isn't going to ask any questions, and to his relief, she doesn't. "I'll make you two some supper," she says, smiling knowingly as she watches Merlin watch Arthur.

Arthur wakes up sometime while Hunith is cooking and shrinks into the sofa.

"It's fine, Arthur, she doesn't mind that you're here," Merlin says, interpreting Arthur's fear at once. Of course, Uther wouldn't take kindly to unexpected guests, no wonder Arthur assumes the same of others. "You're staying for supper," Merlin says firmly, stroking Arthur's hair off his face.

"How do you know me so well?" Arthur asks, smiling.

Merlin just shrugs and hugs Arthur. To his surprise, his friend's face is still completely open when they break apart. The usual walls haven't come back up as they usually do.

"Come and meet my mum," Merlin says.

Hunith hugs Arthur warmly when they are introduced and though Arthur stiffens in surprise, Merlin can tell he is pleased.

He watches his mum with affection throughout dinner as she does everything Arthur needs without Merlin even needing to ask her. Really, it's no more than any parent would do – she shows interest in Arthur's life, asking him about school, showing sympathy and affection as he speaks openly to her.

As the meal draws to a close, he looks wistfully at the clock, and Merlin's heart clenches. He can't send Arthur back to that cold household, not when he's so vulnerable right now.

"Arthur can stay here tonight, can't he, mum?" Merlin says.

"Of course he can," Hunith beams. "Your father won't mind, will he, dear?"

Merlin sees Arthur's slight wince. Uther probably won't even notice he's gone. "No, Hunith," he says (it took her a good hour of convincing to get her to call her Hunith instead of Mrs Emrys).

"Perfect. You boys get up to bed, then, it's a school night tomorrow," she says.

Merlin shows Arthur the bathroom and lends him one of his father's old shirts to sleep in.

"We'll just drag in the spare mattress," Merlin says, heading for the door.

"Merlin."

"Yes?"

He turns to find Arthur standing inches from him, looking scared and unsure.

"What is it?"

Arthur doesn't answer, but inches closer to Merlin. Merlin realises what he's about to do and surveys Arthur's eyes carefully for any doubts. Finding none, Merlin closes the tiny space between them, and they kiss for the second time.

Arthur whimpers softly as Merlin pulls him closer, their bodies pressing up against each other.

"On second thoughts," Merlin murmurs, "maybe we don't need the spare mattress after all."

They climb into Merlin's bed together and kiss until their heads are spinning. Finally, Merlin breaks away, panting.

"We probably should try to get some sleep," he says. "We don't want to be falling asleep in chemistry tomorrow."

"Definitely not," Arthur laughs. He lies on his back, but Merlin has other ideas. He pulls Arthur's shoulder, manoeuvring them so that Arthur's back is pressed up against Merlin's chest. Merlin wraps his arms around Arthur and holds him. Arthur presses into Merlin, seeking the comfort he's never had before now.

Arthur's body is shaking slightly again, and a tear drips from his face onto Merlin's hand.

"What's wrong?" Merlin asks.

"I just… I've just never… no one has – it's – you – " He breaks off, frustrated at his inability to express himself. "No one has ever cared about me like this before," he says at last. "Not since Morgana, and she's family. I just… I'm just afraid this won't last. That I'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be gone."

Merlin holds him tighter, whispering softly in his ear. "I'm here, Arthur, I won't leave you," he murmurs. "I promise. I know it's hard for you to trust, but I promise I'll always be here for you. I'll never let you down."

Finally, Arthur's breathing evens out and he drifts off. Merlin kisses the back of his neck. "I love you, Arthur," he whispers. He follows Arthur into sleep soon after that.

The two boys wake tangled up in each other. Merlin's arms are still wrapped around Arthur and Arthur's hands are holding Merlin's tightly, making sure he doesn't let go, even in his sleep.

Merlin smiles sadly at the death grip Arthur has on him in his sleep, still scared that Merlin will leave him and break his trust, like Morgana did.

Merlin gently tries to loosen Arthur's grip, bur Arthur shifts uneasily in his sleep, so Merlin desists. When his mum knocks on the door to tell them it's time to get ready for school, though, Merlin really has to move.

"Arthur," he says softly, trying to get free. "Arthur."

He gently pries Arthur's hands off his own, wincing as the circulation restarts.

Arthur jerks awake with a yell, glancing wildly around, his eyes in that familiar panicked set.

"Arthur, it's ok," Merlin says, grabbing his hands. "Relax, everything's fine. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Merlin silently wonders how scared Arthur really is – much more than he's letting on, if such a small thing as Merlin removing his hands will put that look in his eyes.,

"Sorry," Arthur says, his gaze on his feet.

"Hey, it's alright," Merlin says, pushing Arthur's chin up with his fingers. "How did you sleep?"

Arthur grins widely. "Great! I haven't slept that well before, well… ever."

"That's good," Merlin says. "I never knew you had sleeping problems."

"Nightmares," Arthur says. "They usually wake me up. Not last night, though."

Merlin remembers how Arthur pressed into him last night, like a child seeking protection – and he'd gotten it. Merlin smiles, glad he could help ward off Arthur's fears, even in such a small way.

_Someday, Arthur,_ he thinks, _you won't be afraid anymore. I'll stay with you and love you until you realise that it's ok to open up to people, ok to trust them. I'll stay until you're happy and not scared, and every day after that._

As he smiles up at Arthur, by the look in Arthur's eyes, Merlin rather thinks that his face has communicated some of what he's thinking, as though there's no need to speak aloud.

To be continued

Please review? :)


	5. P1, Ch5

"Arthur, relax. It'll be fine," Merlin says soothingly, his hand finding Arthur's.

Arthur has that familiar deer-in-the-headlights expression as they step off the bus together. He glances at Merlin, and the panic in his eyes seems to fade slightly.

"Are you going to stay on the team?" Merlin asks as he tugs Arthur towards school.

"I think so – I really do like football, even if I don't like the people," he says. Then, in a smaller voice, "How do you think they'll react?"

Merlin can't help smiling slightly, glad that the usual barriers Arthur keeps haven't come back up with the new day. "Well, you'll definitely be in their bad books. The football jocks don't really hang out with geeky mathletes – let alone have relationships with them."

Arthur stiffens at Merlin's phrase, the deer-in-the-headlights look back.

"Hey, it's ok," Merlin says, squeezing his hand. "If you want to keep it secret, we can."

Arthur only hesitates for a moment. "No. I can't hide anymore – it was driving me crazy." As though to prove his point, he leans over and kisses Merlin on the cheek. As they walk into Camelot High, Merlin feels like his grin will split his face in two.

"We should go on a date," Arthur says, causing Merlin to grin even more widely. "Supper tonight?"

"Sounds perfect," Merlin says happily.

The whispers start to follow them as soon as Merlin and Arthur enter the school grounds together. Merlin can feel Arthur tense beside him and can almost see the protective barriers coming back up around him, hiding his true self from prying eyes. Arthur keeps his head high and his hand firmly in Merlin's as they make their way to their lockers.

Arthur leaves Merlin for a moment to get his books, but Merlin's eyes follow him anxiously. Sure enough, Bruce and his usual cronies are making a beeline for Arthur, clearly having seen him and Merlin together. Merlin drops his books and hurries towards Arthur's side, but not before Bruce bangs hard into Arthur as he walks past, sending him sprawling.

Arthur gets to his feet, glaring at Bruce's back, looking like he's considering going after him, but Merlin is there, his hand on Arthur's arm. "Leave it, Arthur, it's not worth it. Just ignore them."

Arthur takes a deep breath and nods. "You're right. Let's go."

Arthur and Merlin have to separate – Merlin has maths and Arthur has history – and it is with some trepidation that Merlin watches his retreating back. Gwen is waiting for him in maths, though, and Merlin is soon distracted, telling her everything that happened yesterday and this morning.

Gwen's eyes become steadily wider as he tells his story. "So the two of you are like a thing?" she asks in a hushed voice as the teacher walks in.

"I think so," Merlin says softly. "He's taking me out to dinner tonight."

"Wow," Gwen says, staring at Merlin as though she's never seen him before. "You were right about him after all."

"I told you so," Merlin says smugly, causing her to smack his arm before turning her attention to her books.

Merlin had his doubts about lunch – what if Arthur went back to sitting with the football team? – but Arthur looks around carefully and makes straight for him and Gwen as soon as he spots them, dodging Bruce's leg, sticking out from the table in the hopes of tripping him.

Merlin's wide smile falters as Arthur sits down. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing," Arthur says shortly.

"Arthur?"

"It's fine," Arthur says, closing off again. Merlin sighs sadly. Of course, it will take time for Arthur to learn to be completely open with him all the time. He can be patient. Still, it hurts him to see Arthur upset and not know what he can do about it.

Merlin watches Arthur throughout the rest of the day, and as he gets steadily more downcast, Merlin thinks he knows what the problem is. Most of the geeks of the school keep their heads down and avoid notice. Arthur, however, has already been noticed, and now that he's trying to jump ship, he's getting a particularly hard time from the popular kids in terms of teasing and outright bullying.

They do go out for dinner, but Arthur is distracted and tense. "Do you want to stay at my house again?" Merlin asks.

Arthur shakes his head. "My father may not care, but he's not completely oblivious. He'll notice if I'm not home two nights in a row."

Merlin bites his lip. He doesn't want to send Arthur home where he'll be all alone with his doubts and fears.

"Well, at least let me come in with you," he says, but Arthur shakes his head again.

"It's fine, Merlin," he says. "I'm going to tell my father about you, and I'd rather do it alone. I hope you understand."

If anything, this only makes Merlin even more anxious, but he can't refuse Arthur anything. "Will it be ok?" he asks. "Your father won't be mad or anything, will he?"

"I doubt it," Arthur says dully. "He hasn't cared enough to be mad in years. He'll probably be disappointed in me – even more than he already is, if that's possible – but nothing worse than that."

Merlin hates the broken note in Arthur's voice and tries to comfort him, but by the time they are getting off at separate bus stops, Arthur is as miserable as ever.

The next day at school, Arthur doesn't meet Merlin's eyes at all. Merlin tries to approach him, but Arthur turns away, his face set in lines of misery. Merlin's heart is breaking for him. Maybe giving up his cover wasn't the best thing for Arthur, not if it's making him so unhappy. Merlin wonders what happened between Arthur and Uther last night. The last thing Arthur needs is more of Uther's cold disinterest.

They aren't in a class together before lunch, and Arthur walks dejectedly to a table on his own. Merlin leaves Gwen at their usual table with Lancelot and Will, and goes to join him.

"Go away, Merlin," Arthur says wearily. "I want to be alone."

_You don't want to be alone,_ Merlin wants to say. _All you want is to be loved and accepted._ He doesn't say that, though. "I told you I'm not leaving you, and I won't," he says steadily.

Arthur glares at him and it is all Merlin can do not to cringe away.

"You've ruined my life," Arthur hisses, lashing out viciously at Merlin. "I was doing ok until you came along and made me think I would be ok if I was honest, if I _trusted_ you. Leave me alone, Merlin."

With that, he gets up and stalks out. Merlin doesn't follow, trying to keep the tears of hurt in his eyes. As hurt as he is, though, he's not giving up on Arthur, no matter how much abuse the latter throws at him. He promised Arthur he would stay, and Arthur needs him now more than ever.

Chemistry is an awkward affair, with Arthur looking resolutely in the opposite direction. Merlin sticks close by Arthur's side for the rest of the day, leaving only when they have separate classes. Arthur keeps shooting Merlin venomous glances, but doesn't speak to him and eventually gives up moving away, as Merlin just follows him anyway.

Arthur looks so miserable that Merlin's hearty breaks for him, but Arthur won't allow Merlin to comfort him. Merlin thinks long and hard about what he plans to do, but he decides that Arthur needs him more than Merlin needs not to be possibly killed by Uther.

After quickly texting his mum, Merlin follows Arthur home, sticking to him like glue. The mood Arthur's in, Merlin is worried about him, worried about what he might do. Arthur studiously ignores him and slams his door in Merlin's face, but Merlin simply opens it and enters Arthur's room.

"What are you doing here, Merlin?" Arthur spits, speaking to him for the first time in hours.

"I'm not leaving you like this," Merlin says calmly. He thinks for a moment that he sees a faint crack in Arthur's wall of anger and indifference as something like relief flickers across his face – but the next second Arthur is looking angrily down on him, and Merlin is sure he's imagined it.

He sits on the floor and takes out his homework. After a while, Arthur does the same at the desk, still giving Merlin the silent treatment. When Arthur goes down for supper, Merlin follows him, and the chef serves Merlin a plate without being asked. Arthur glares at Merlin's food as the two of them eat in silence.

Uther is working late, and isn't home before Merlin and Arthur are getting ready for bed. He doesn't open the door to say hello to Arthur, simply going about his business as though he's in an empty house.

"You don't have a spare toothbrush, do you?" Merlin asks hopefully, wishing he'd thought to pack an overnight bag. Arthur ignores him. Merlin glances at Arthur, but decides that there's no way Arthur will let him sleep on his bed, gigantic though it is. Merlin settles himself on the floor and closes his eyes. Despite how uncomfortable he is, the whole tiring day catches up with him and he is soon asleep.

Merlin is woken in the middle of the night by Arthur tossing and turning. He whimpers in his sleep and tries to ward something off with his hands. Merlin immediately gets up and goes to his side. There are tears on Arthur's face, creeping down from under his closed eyelids.

Without thinking, Merlin slips under the covers with Arthur, putting his arms around him. "Shh, it's ok, Arthur," he murmurs, holding tightly. Slowly, Arthur's writhing stills and he relaxes into Merlin's grip. Merlin smiles as Arthur's hands move to clasp his own in his sleep, cementing Merlin's hold on him.

Merlin kisses the back of Arthur's neck and is quickly asleep.

He wakes in the morning unable to move. His legs are tangled up with Arthur's. Arthur has moved in his sleep so that their chests are pressed against each other, their faces inches apart. Arthur's face is tucked into Merlin's neck, his breathing slow and peaceful. Merlin's arms are still around Arthur, and Arthur is again clinging so tightly in his sleep that he is cutting off Merlin's circulation.

Arthur awakes with a start, his eyes tight on Merlin's. For a moment, he looks so peaceful and vulnerable that Merlin thinks maybe everything is ok… but then the walls come back up and Arthur glares at him.

"What are you doing?" he asks angrily.

"You were having a nightmare," Merlin says simply, knowing that Arthur will work out the rest. The nightmare only stopped when Merlin climbed into bed with him.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Arthur says loudly, rolling out of bed, wrenching away from Merlin.

"I'll never leave you alone, Arthur," Merlin says steadily, getting up after Arthur.

Arthur's face is filled with rage and he pushes Merlin hard in the chest. "Go! Leave me!"

Merlin staggers and his back hits the wall and he winces as his head is bashed against the metal frame of a painting, but his eyes never leave Arthur's.

Arthur turns away from Merlin and smashes the lamp on his desk, sending it crashing to the floor with a tinkle of broken glass. "My life is ruined because of you!" he yells. "I can't do this anymore, I can't –"

Merlin is crossing the room before he can think better of it, putting his arms around Arthur. Arthur struggles for a minute, but though he is surely much stronger than Merlin, his emotional state leaves him in no shape to be fighting someone off.

After a minute, Arthur's struggles turn to sobs and his arms come around Merlin, embracing him tightly. "I'm sorry," Arthur murmurs in Merlin's ear. "I'm so sorry, Merlin. I was scared, I didn't know what to do…"

"It's ok," Merlin says, stroking his back, leading Arthur to the bed and pulling him down.

Arthur looks at Merlin with tearstained eyes. "You stayed. Even when I was horrible to you." His hand caresses the back of Merlin's head and guilt fills his eyes when Merlin winces as Arthur brushes the tender spot where he hit the painting.

"I'm so sorry," Arthur repeats. "I don't deserve you."

Merlin leans forward and kisses him, tasting salty tears on Arthur's face. "I'll never leave you, Arthur," he says softly. "I promise."

To be continued


	6. P1, Ch 6

Gwen glares at Arthur as he and Merlin walk side by side to school – Merlin looking distinctly rumpled, not having brought a change of clothes to Arthur's house. Merlin gives her a stern look. He realises she can't be expected to understand Arthur's treatment of him, but Arthur really doesn't need Gwen mad at him – not when he's still so new to the whole real-friends thing.

Arthur smiles sheepishly at her. "Gwen, I think we got off to a bad start," he says hesitantly. "I'd be grateful if we could start over."

Gwen looks like she's not too keen on this idea, but Merlin is glaring at her from behind Arthur's back, so she smiles gracefully and shakes Arthur's hand, shooting Merlin a look demanding explanation. He spends the next lesson planning what he's going to say to Gwen – he doesn't want to spill all of Arthur's secrets, after all.

In the end, it turns out he needn't have worried. Gwen softens when she sees Arthur and Merlin interacting, clearly seeing how much they care for each other. Merlin sticks protectively by Arthur's side all through lunch, silently daring Bruce and his cronies to have a go at him.

The last lesson of the day is chemistry, and Arthur goes quiet towards the end. "What's wrong?" Merlin asks him.

Arthur hesitates, but Merlin is pleased to see that he seems to have at least partially gotten over hiding things from Merlin when he's upset. "I just… I'll miss you tonight. When we're apart."

"Stay at my place," Merlin suggests at once.

Arthur laughs. "It's probably better I don't. Too many nights of proper sleep and I'll get used to it, then I'll have to move in with you permanently and you'll be stuck with me."

"Sounds good," Merlin laughs, but puts his hand on Arthur's arm. "Seriously, Arthur, why not? My mum won't mind, your dad won't care. What's to lose?"

Arthur's brow furrows, the familiar panicky look in his eyes.

"Too much too soon?" Merlin guesses.

Arthur shakes his head, still frowning.

"Is it your dad?"

"No, not him. I doubt he cares enough to notice I'm gone – or enough to wonder where I am if he does."

"Ok… then what?"

Arthur just keeps frowning at the desk.

"I'm not a mind reader, Arthur," Merlin says. "Use your words."

Arthur looks uncomfortable, reminding Merlin that though he's gotten much better with him, Arthur still finds it very hard to trust anyone enough to give away anything even vaguely personal.

"I…"

He trails off and Merlin waits patiently.

"I trusted Morgana," he says eventually. "With my life. And she left me."

"And you're worried I'm going to leave you, too?"

"Not exactly… the more time I spend with you, the more…"

Merlin gets what Arthur's trying to say. "The more time we spend together, the more attached you get, the harder it will hit you if I leave?"

Arthur nods reluctantly.

"Prat," Merlin murmurs, and Arthur's eyes shoot up to meet his. "What will it take for you to realise that I'll never leave you? I love you, you idiot."

Merlin only realises what he said when Arthur's eyes go wide, the panicked look back.

"Shh," Merlin says, putting his hand over Arthur's open mouth. "Don't say anything. Just… you know how I feel, now. Forever."

Arthur nods, his eyes oddly liquid, and he gives Merlin a tremulous smile. "I'll bring my stuff over tonight."

Merlin grins and leans in for a kiss – only to hear Mr Grenter clearing his throat loudly until they break apart. Merlin's hand finds Arthur's under the table and doesn't move for the rest of the lesson.

Hunith hugs Arthur as soon as he's put his bags down that evening and welcomes him to the family. Merlin didn't say anything to her, but she's picked up between the lines that Arthur's family home has very little sense of family in it. Arthur marvels at the way she interacts with Merlin – loving and tender and motherly all at once.

She insists they do their homework at the dining room table – "You'll just distract each other up in Merlin's room," – and Arthur has to agree with her. Away from the prying eyes of his classmates, it's all he can do to keep his hands off Merlin, as though he can make him more real by touching him.

Finally, after homework and supper are done, Merlin and Arthur are allowed to retire to Merlin's room – _their_ room, as Merlin insists on calling it. He pushes Arthur onto the bed and kneels over him, leaning down for a kiss. Merlin straddles Arthur, his legs on either side of Arthur's hips, as their lips entwine, their breath fast and urgent.

Merlin rubs himself against Arthur, their erections sliding together through their clothes, causing both boys to groan in pleasure. Too soon, though, Merlin rolls off, not wanting to spook Arthur. He's so new to the whole trust thing, and Merlin doesn't want to do anything that will make him even more scared than he already is, especially take things too fast.

They both sleep in their boxer shorts, Arthur once again curled up against Merlin, holding Merlin's hands tightly to him, not allowing him to let go.

"You know, you don't really need to cut off my circulation," Merlin says conversationally. "I'm not going to let go."

Arthur laughs self-consciously and makes an effort to loosen his death grip, but Merlin is sure it will return when Arthur is asleep and fighting his nightmares.

It's early for bed, but the two of them turn of the lights and just lie together, talking. Arthur presses so close to Merlin that there's no way he doesn't notice the erection pushing into his back, but he's nice enough not to say anything about it. Probably afraid Merlin will stop holding him, the idiot.

There is a gentle lull in the conversation and Merlin feels Arthur tense slightly. "She'd like you, you know," he says, his rough voice giving the impression that the words are very hard for him. "Morgana. I wish she could meet you."

"Do you want to talk about her?" Merlin asks softly.

Arthur shrugs and remains quiet. When Merlin doesn't break the silence for a few minutes, Arthur takes a deep, shuddering breath. "She was amazing – bubbly, really confident. She didn't take any nonsense, Morgana. I usually ignored my father as thoroughly as he ignored me – she was always at odds with him, standing up to him for both of us. I admired that about her.

"I'm not sure what got her into drugs. Maybe she got into the wrong crowd of people, but I still blame Uther. Neither of us could possibly be happy, living with him, even though we had each other. It's no wonder she started seeking substances to give her what he never could."

Arthur's breath hitches slightly. "It was a few months before it happened. He knew what she was going through, but he didn't care, and there was only so much I could do. I was the one who found her in her room, needle in her arm."

Arthur is shaking and Merlin kisses his shoulder, his hand coming around to caress his face. "I'm so sorry, Arthur."

Arthur nods and slowly quiets under Merlin's touch. "We should probably get some sleep," he says eventually.

"Alright," Merlin agrees, not particularly caring what they do, so long as they are together.

"I love you," Arthur whispers, so quietly that Merlin would have thought he was imagining it if it weren't for the way Arthur's whole body tensed up again.

"I love you, too," Merlin says, and Arthur can hear the smile in his voice.

When Merlin wakes in the morning, Arthur looks happy and well rested, even though he's still maintaining an unconscious death-grip on Merlin.

"No nightmares?" Merlin asks.

"No nightmares," Arthur confirms.

That day, Arthur has football practice after school. Merlin wants to come and watch – he's still afraid to leave Arthur alone, worried that Arthur's fear of abandonment will kick in again – but Arthur persuades him that he'll have a better chance of a normal session with the team without Merlin there. Not wanting to make matters any more difficult, Merlin agrees.

He goes to the library, pretending to study, but really thinking about Arthur. People look at him like he's mad – he must be grinning like the lovesick idiot he is – but he pays them no mind, fantasising about Arthur and all the amazing opportunities living together affords them. He must find out what Arthur's favourite meal is and make it for him…

Merlin is jarred out of his pleasant thoughts by the shrill ringing of his phone. Dodging the death stare from the librarian, he grabs his bag and hurries out to answer – he sees it's Arthur's number, but practice isn't even close to finished.

"Arthur?" he answers.

"Merlin." Arthur seems to be making an effort to keep his voice normal, but Merlin can tell there is definitely something wrong. "Could… could you come here, please? I'm in the bathroom across from the English classroom."

"I'm on my way," Merlin says, alarm colouring his voice. "What happened?"

But Arthur has already hung up, and Merlin is practically running in his direction. Were he being more observant, he would see a couple of football players hanging around the lockers, shooting him very nasty looks, but Merlin isn't paying any attention to any of his surroundings.

"Arthur?" he calls, bursting into the bathroom in question. He expects to see Arthur by the sink, but there is no sign of him. Spinning around, Merlin sees that one of the stall doors is closed.

"Arthur!" Merlin bangs on the door, but Arthur makes no reply, clearly having lost his nerve and wanting to retreat back into his lonely shell where no one is trusted. Merlin, though, isn't giving him that option.

"Arthur, don't make me climb over the stall door," he says warningly. "I will, you know. And you know how clumsy I am – I'll probably fall and break my leg, and then I'll spend weeks making you feel guilty while it heals."

There is no movement within the stall.

"Fine, have it your way," Merlin says, opening the door to the stall next to him, getting ready to stand on the toilet and scramble up.

The door opens suddenly and Arthur shuffles out. "I'm sorry," he mumbles. "I –"

He doesn't get a chance to finish, though. "Arthur, what happened to you?"

Merlin grabs his face to examine the myriad bruises and cuts, drawing back when Arthur winces. Merlin can see bruises on Arthur's arms and legs, and he moves awkwardly, making Merlin sure that there are more injuries than he can see. "Arthur, who did this to you? Tell me!"

Merlin can feel rage bubbling through him, rage so great that it is all he can do not to run out right now and track down those responsible… but he's not leaving Arthur alone, not like this.

"It was Bruce and his mates," Arthur says dully. "I probably made it worse, but I wasn't going to take it lying down. Anyway, they got annoyed when I tried to fight back."

Merlin is frozen for a minute, trying to get his priorities straight. Kill Bruce, or get Arthur home? As tempting as the former option is, Merlin sighs and gently takes Arthur's hand. "Come on, let's go home."

As Merlin leads Arthur out of the bathroom, a jeering voice sounds from just across the passage.

"Running to comfort your pathetic little _boyfriend_?"

Merlin's eyes lock with Bruce's. He knows he shouldn't rise to the bait, but his vision is going red and hazy, and it seems as though someone other than him is moving his body forward.

Before Merlin knows what he's doing, he's taken a running leap at Bruce, yelling abuse at him and latching himself onto the bigger boy's shoulders. Then he's kicking and biting and scratching and doing everything in his power to hurt Bruce as thoroughly as he can.

Merlin is lucky that Mr Grenter happened to be walking past, because Bruce's friends were seconds away from pulling Merlin off and giving him a hefty beating of his own. Once the red haze had faded enough for Merlin to explain what happened, he and Arthur are let go without punishment while Mr Grenter rounds on Bruce and his friends.

"Merlin, what were you thinking?" Arthur asks weakly as the two of them walk to the school entrance – Merlin called his mum to pick them up, knowing that Arthur isn't in any condition to walk.

Merlin shoots Arthur an incredulous look. "After what he did to you? He's lucky I didn't snap his neck."

"You would, wouldn't you?" Arthur says, a fond smile lighting his battered face.

"I told you, Arthur, I'm here for you. Anyone who wants you has to go through me, first."

As they stand looking at each other, their eyes locked, for the first time, Arthur believes him.

To be continued


	7. P1, Ch7

Hunith looks like an angry thunder cloud when she arrives to fetch Merlin and Arthur. Her face darkens even further when she sees the pair of them. Arthur is swollen and bruised all over, and Merlin didn't exactly get away from his attack on Bruce unscathed.

"Who did this to you?" she demands.

"Bruce, but he's being punished," Merlin says. "Mr Grenter caught him."

"If there's anything left of him," Arthur says, stifling a laugh. "I had no idea your son was such a badass, Hunith."

Her eyes soften. "Only for people he loves very much."

Merlin ducks his head, embarrassed, but Arthur smiles widely. As though he needs any more reassurance that Merlin loves him.

Hunith gets both of them cleaned up and orders Arthur straight to bed. Arthur refuses to go if Merlin doesn't come with him. Though he makes a big joke of it, Merlin can see that Arthur is still shaken by today and needs the comfort that he can only accept from Merlin, the care that he has never gotten from anyone else.

So Merlin takes the ice pack from his mother and goes upstairs with Arthur, forcing him to lie on the bed with an ice pack on his ribs. Merlin curls up at Arthur's side, wrapping his arms around the other boy as gently as he can.

When they wake up the next morning, the ice pack is squashed between them – and not remotely icy anymore, either. Arthur has turned in his sleep and is clinging to Merlin as usual. Merlin is starting to get used to waking up with severe pins and needles in his hands. He smiles fondly at Arthur, who has Merlin's wrists in a strangle grip so that he couldn't take move his arms from their current position around Arthur's body if he wanted to.

"Arthur, wake up," he whispers.

Arthur jerks slightly, but calms as he always does when he realises Merlin is still there. "It's not school time yet," he complains, glancing at the clock.

"No, but I need to pee, and you're holding me hostage," Merlin points out.

"Sorry," Arthur mumbles, embarrassed. "You can just pull free, you know."

"And have you wake up in a panic? I've tried, Arthur, you get frantic whenever I try to move away. Hey, I'm not complaining," he says, seeing the look on Arthur's face. "I like it. I know you think it's just you who needs me, but I need you too, Arthur. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Arthur's worried expression melts into a grin and he leans over Merlin's body, kissing him.

"Arthur, I _really_ need to pee!"

"Right, sorry," he laughs, rolling off Merlin. Merlin shoots him a speculative glance as he crawls out of bed and makes for the bathroom. Arthur seems freer than usual, happier. Merlin smiles to himself and hurries back to Arthur after going to the bathroom, eager to snatch a few more minutes in bed.

They walk into Camelot High defiantly holding hands. Bruce and his cronies glare at them, but don't move. Arthur glares at them as he and Merlin walk past, no trace of apprehension in his face. Merlin rolls his eyes. _Sure, incredible hulk and gang of followers want to bash your skull in – no problem. When it comes to talking about your _feelings_, though…_ he pulls tighter on Arthur's hand, wanting to get him past the group before there's some kind of incident.

Gwen is there to meet them, horrified and angry at what happened to Arthur. She herds Arthur around like a mother hen, shooting angry glares at anyone who so much as looks at him wrong. Merlin really loves Gwen, sometimes.

As weeks pass, things fall into a pattern. Arthur starts hanging out with Merlin's group of friends. He and Lancelot get on like a house on fire and Arthur encourages Lancelot to ask Gwen out – she's over the moon when he does and says yes at once.

Will doesn't like Arthur at first, but seems to warm to him after a while – if only because he realises that if given a choice, Merlin would choose Arthur without hesitation.

They don't hear from Uther, which is both a relief and a sadness. Though Arthur is certainly much happier staying with Merlin, it's horrible to see evidence every day in Uther's silence of how little he really cares for his son.

As their final exams draw closer, they all have to think about what universities they want to go to. Merlin watches Arthur get steadily quieter and more withdrawn for a few days before speaking to him.

"Ok, Arthur, what's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing," Arthur says, not meeting his eyes.

"Oh no." Merlin takes Arthur's face in his hands, forcing Arthur to look at him. "You don't get to do this anymore. You don't get to go all silent and suffer alone. I'm here for you, alright? But I can't read your mind. There's something wrong and you're going to tell me what."

"Merlin…"

"Arthur," he says more gently. "I get that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings, but you need to make an effort for me, ok? I love you. Whatever you say, it'll be alright."

Arthur takes a deep breath and places his hands on Merlin's waist, seemingly to centre himself.

"I'm worried about university."

Merlin waits, but nothing else seems to be forthcoming. "Right, you want me to play the guessing game," he says, rolling his eyes. "Come, sit down – this could take a while."

Arthur laughs at Merlin's exasperation, but Merlin can see that he's sincerely grateful. Arthur's spent so many years building up walls around himself, it's very hard for him to break through. Merlin tries to guess, to make it easier for him, but his skills as a mind-reader are not really up to scratch.

"Ok," Merlin says once they are sitting on the couch together. He tugs Arthur so that his back is against Merlin's chest and holds him tightly, helping him to feel just that little bit more secure. "Are you worried you won't get the right grades? Because that's rubbish, Arthur – you're really smart, you'll definitely –"

"No, it's not that."

"Alright… then are you worried about Uther not wanting to pay for it? I know you're not close, but if he says no, we can both get jobs."

"I know. I'm not worried about that."

"Um… come on, give me a hint, Arthur."

Arthur just presses his shoulders into Merlin, hunching his body inwards. Merlin squeezes him tightly and tries to think of something else. "Are you scared that the people there will be like Bruce and his gang? I really don't think they will, people are much more open –"

"No."

"Really, Arthur, I'm dying here. Help?" Merlin laughs as he speaks, trying to lighten the atmosphere for Arthur.

Knowing that there's no other option now, Arthur starts to speak in that familiar way – the way that makes it sound as if he's having to drag the words out with some kind of heavy power tool.

"I… staying with you… it's been great. I – I don't – I can't – if we have to be apart… without you, I –"

Merlin laughs as he gets what Arthur is trying to say. "You're worried we'll be in separate dorms? Arthur, of course we'll request the same room! And if they don't give it to us, we'll get a place of our own."

"What if we're not at the same university?" Arthur asks quietly. "What if we're not even in the same country?"

Merlin sits up straighter and pulls Arthur around to face him. "Let me get this straight. You thought that I'd just go buggering off to a university where you weren't?"

"Um…"

Merlin makes a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh of exasperation. "Arthur, I couldn't get through one day without seeing you – separate countries, indeed! You're daft, you know."

Arthur's whole body relaxes against him. "I didn't realise…" he says.

"Well from now on, please realise this: I have never lied to you, Arthur. I am not going to leave you, not for anything. Please get that through your thick skull."

Arthur turns and wraps his arms around Merlin. "I love you," he mutters, his face pressed up against Merlin's shoulder. "How is this so easy for you? Everything comes so naturally to you… I really envy it, actually."

"We've had very different lives, Arthur," Merlin says gently. "I know how hard it is for you to be close to anyone else emotionally, but you're getting much better with me. In time, you'll be much better with other people, too."

"You really think so?"

"I know so," Merlin says, kissing the top of his head.

Arthur isn't happy with this and leans up to press their lips together. He makes a strangled sound into Merlin's mouth and leans over him, rubbing their bodies together.

"Merlin… I want…"

Merlin looks into Arthur's wide eyes. It's something they've been considering for a while. They've done stuff – quite a lot of stuff – but never gone all the way. Everything is ready – lube and condoms upstairs. "Are you sure?" Merlin asks.

"Yes," Arthur whispers, his breath hitching.

"Ok, then. Come on."

Merlin takes Arthur's hand and leads him upstairs, pausing every few seconds to press him up against the wall and kiss until they are both breathless. They've already agreed – Merlin has done this before, so he'll be the one to take matters into his own hands; all Arthur will have to do is lie back.

Merlin knows this will be a challenge – Arthur has huge problems surrendering himself to people, and while he has gotten better at the emotional side, he's had very little practice with making himself this physically vulnerable. When Merlin suggested Arthur top, though, Arthur balked, panicking about not knowing what he's doing.

Merlin pulls Arthur's shirt over his head, his fingers greedily seeking the bare skin. Arthur undoes Merlin's buttons and soon they are both naked. Merlin gently urges Arthur towards the bed and waits for him to lie down before joining him. Arthur has that deer-in-the-headlights expression again, the one that is so endearingly familiar to Merlin, so he takes it slow.

Lying on his side next to Arthur, he entwines his fingers in the other's hair and they kiss, their breath hot and fast, greedy hands touching and probing at each other's backs and necks. Finally, Arthur is whimpering for more and Merlin obliges.

His hands flutter down, using a light touch that drives Arthur mad. After weeks of spending nights with Arthur, Merlin knows how to reduce him to a shivering, moaning wreck. Arthur arches up when Merlin's fingers brush his nipples and Merlin lets his mouth trail down, encircling the left nipple, letting his teeth gently graze against it.

Arthur bucks upwards and Merlin gasps as their erections bump together. His hands roam down Arthur's sides as the two of them quiver with want. Merlin looks to Arthur's erection – bright red and swollen, standing proudly to attention.

He leans down with a wicked grin, teasing with light almost-touches until Arthur is whining again. "Please, Merlin," he groans. Merlin just chuckles evilly and starts to lick Arthur's inner thighs. Arthur moves his hands down to try to touch himself, sure he is going to explode if he doesn't, but Merlin traps his hands, pulling them up above his head.

"See that headboard? I want you to hold it," he says to Arthur. "If you let go of the headboard, I'm going to stop."

Arthur groans again, if anything more turned on than ever by the stipulation. He grips the wood as if his life depends on it, writhing beneath Merlin, almost sobbing in relief when Merlin finally touches his weeping erection. Arthur's hands clench and unclench convulsively as Merlin strokes him, pushing the foreskin back a little more with each movement.

Merlin flicks his tongue out, wanting to taste Arthur and moaning in ecstasy when he does. He moves away again, his hands going further back, reaching for Arthur's waiting hole. Merlin grabs the lube and wets his fingers with swift, practiced movements. Slowly, he edges on inside Arthur.

Arthur hisses and Merlin stills his finger. "Are you ok?" he asks.

"Yes," Arthur gasps.

Merlin wiggles his finger until it brushes over Arthur's spot and Arthur arches up, groaning, begging for more. Merlin continues to move his finger and soon slides another in. One of Arthur's hands comes down to touch his neglected, aching erection, and Merlin immediately pulls out and bats him away.

Arthur whines at the loss, begging with his eyes for more. "What did I say about the headboard, Arthur?" Merlin says softly.

Arthur's hands are back on the headboard faster than blinking and he moans in bliss when Merlin's fingers enter him once more. It isn't long before Merlin has Arthur at the moaning-wreck stage, and he isn't that far behind. He takes his hands away and quickly puts on a condom, coming back to press his straining erection against Arthur's now-open hole.

"Are you sure, Arthur?" he asks, giving him one last chance to back out.

"Do it," Arthur breathes, a giddy smile on his face. His hands clench on the headboard, but there is no fear in his face. Surrendering himself completely to Merlin, he just lets himself feel.

Merlin pushes in very slowly, pausing when Arthur hisses in pain. Merlin stays where he is, kissing Arthur and fingering his nipples until Arthur is panting again. "I'm going to move again now, alright?"

"Yes, alright," Arthur gasps, wanting it.

Merlin goes agonisingly slowly, loathe to cause Arthur any pain. As Arthur gets used to the sensation, though, any pain is washed away and he is soon bucking his hips up to meet Merlin. Merlin takes Arthur's feet and places them on his shoulders, angling himself so that he hits Arthur's spot every time.

Arthur yells his name, his head flicking from side to side on the pillow, barely aware of anything except Merlin. Merlin takes Arthur's erection in his hands and doesn't even have time to stroke it before Arthur is coming, slicking them both in thick white fluid.

With a strangled yell, Merlin thrusts once, twice more into Arthur before collapsing heavily on top of him. The two boys lie panting for a minute before Merlin gently pulls out, wrapping his arms around Arthur. Arthur presses into him, but not as hard as he usually does, not as desperate and scared.

"How was it?" Merlin asks tentatively.

"It was… it was bloody brilliant," Arthur says, displaying the same new confidence that Merlin has seen in him more often recently, so real compared to the show he put on when he first came to school. "I love you," he says, kissing Merlin's sweaty lips.

"As I love you," Merlin says. "Never doubt that."

Merlin realises that all this time he's thought of Arthur as a black hole, drawing him in in ever increasing spirals. He was wrong. Arthur is the sun, and with him, Merlin is helplessly spiralling into happiness.

To be continued

End of part 1 – part 2 coming soon! Please remember to review :)


	8. P2, Ch1

Warning: this chapter, as well as the next few after it, involves substance abuse (drugs and alcohol)

"Relax," Arthur says sternly.

"I am relaxed!"

Arthur rolls his eyes. "You're twitching," he points out, eyeing Merlin's hands pointedly as he taps compulsively on the table.

"I'm fine," Merlin says breathlessly.

Arthur gets up and comes around Merlin, standing behind him with his hands on his shoulders. "You're going to be fine," he says softly. "Better than fine, you'll be brilliant. Your marks are the best in our year – why would that change now?"

"Easy for you to say – you're not relying on a scholarship for university!"

Arthur chuckles at Merlin's nerves. "It's alright, Merlin," he says soothingly. His fingers gently work the tense muscles in Merlin's shoulders and neck. Merlin moans softly and his head falls back.

"Stop," he murmurs, his eyes closed.

"And let you panic in private, is that it? Not a chance, Merlin."

Merlin finally relaxes under Arthur's steady hands, and by the time Hunith comes into the kitchen, his breathing is normal again. "I've got them," she says. All hints of relaxation leave Merlin at once as he jumps up, reaching for the envelopes with both hands. Arthur hurries forward, too, not nearly as nervous as Merlin, but worried all the same.

Hunith hands over the envelopes with their final marks and Merlin tears feverishly into his. Arthur takes his own with trembling hands.

For a minute, all is quiet. Arthur can tell when Merlin has read his marks, because he starts breathing again. "Alright?" he asks quietly.

"Yes," Merlin sighs. "Here, swap."

They quickly switch papers and Arthur runs his eye down Merlin's, smiling proudly. Of course, Merlin would get As for everything. Arthur did quite well himself, five As and three Bs.

"Well?" Hunith asks anxiously, having not looked herself on the way.

"We did alright," Merlin says, relief heavy in his voice. He throws himself at Arthur, clinging tightly to him as they kiss. "I told you so," Arthur murmurs. "We're going to Albion University."

"We're going to Albion," Merlin repeats, sounding stunned.

Not three weeks later, Merlin and Arthur are dragging their bags behind them through the city of Albion, heading for the local university. They managed to secure a room together, so there was no need to get their own apartment just yet.

It wouldn't have been hard – Uther hasn't done anything about Arthur's trust fund, despite the fact that they haven't so much as spoken to each other in months. Arthur says bitterly that Uther just doesn't care enough to put in the effort. Merlin is glad, though, that they'll get a chance to see what student life is really like.

Arthur insists on carrying his and Merlin's bags while Merlin trails behind, nattering on about rubbish as usual. "Hey there, do you need some help?" Merlin looks around Arthur to see a good looking guy with dark, wavy hair eyeing Arthur apprehensively. "You look like you're about to collapse under all that."

"Thank you, but I'm fine," Arthur says politely, and Merlin rolls his eyes. Arthur is crap at accepting help from anyone. He's gotten better with Merlin, but a total stranger stands no chance.

"What he means to say is he'd love some help," Merlin says, tugging his bag out of Arthur's arms and handing it to the helpful man. "I'm Merlin, and this is Arthur."

"Nice to meet you – Gwaine's the name. You new here?"

"First day," Merlin confirms, walking beside Gwaine as they go up to his and Arthur's room. "You?"

"My second year here," Gwaine says. "What are you studying?"

"I'm doing maths and physics, Arthur psychology." Merlin smiles fondly at Arthur's back. After much thought, Arthur decided that he wanted to be able to help children like him who come from broken households. Merlin's never been so proud of him. "You?" he asks Gwaine.

"Oh you know, a bit of this and that," Gwaine says, gesturing carelessly. Merlin doesn't get the impression he's too fussed about studying.

"Here we are," Arthur says, dumping his bag on the ground and rummaging for the key while Gwaine hands Merlin his bag, managing to brush their bodies closely together in the process. "Thanks for your help, Gwaine."

"No problem," the other says, waving cheerfully over his shoulder. "See you round, mates."

Arthur drags his bag in and sits down on one of the two single beds.

"We'll have to do something about those," Merlin says, eyeing them. "Maybe we could push them together – I'm not sure the warden will be too pleased if we try to get a double up here."

Arthur agrees just a second too late and Merlin shoots him a sharp glance.

"Out with it, Arthur. What's wrong?"

"Noth – "

"Arthur…"

Arthur looks uncomfortably at the floor. "I'm… worried."

"Yes?" Merlin says gently, sitting next to him on the bed.

"There are… there are a lot of people here," he says slowly. "A lot of guys. Most people in university… experiment, do stuff. Committed relationships aren't… common in the earlier years. What if you see someone else you like?"

Merlin laughs at Arthur's absurdity. "You think I'll abandon you for the first pretty face I see? Arthur you're my boyfriend and I love you. No one else. Really, for someone so smart, you can be very dense at times."

Arthur meets Merlin's eyes, weighing his words. "Ok," he says eventually. "Yes, alright. I'm being silly. Of course."

Merlin leans forward and kisses him. "I'm never leaving you, you prat," he murmurs against Arthur's lips. "You know that."

Arthur finally smiles. "Yes. Yes, I know."

The first month at Albion seems to fly by in a blur of lectures and tutorials and drinking and late nights. Merlin makes it very clear to everyone that he and Arthur are a couple, so the flirts soon back off – Gwaine prominent among them.

It's a lot of work, but both boys find themselves having a great time and making some new friends. Merlin still keeps in touch with Gwen, calling her at least twice a week. Everything seems to be going well.

That is, until the news comes.

Merlin gets a call in the middle of a rather interesting physics lecture. He doesn't usually take calls during class, but when the phone starts ringing again immediately after the first call goes to voice mail, he glances at the screen and sees that it's Arthur. He quietly gets up and edges out of the lecture hall.

"Arthur?" he answers.

"Merlin."

There is something very wrong in Arthur's voice. "What is it?" Merlin demands.

"It's – it's… um…" Arthur trails off, seemingly unable to finish the sentence.

"Where are you?" Merlin asks urgently.

"In our room."

"I'm on my way. Don't move, Arthur."

Merlin arrives at their room, panting and clutching his side less than two minutes later. Arthur is sitting on his bed, staring blankly at the wall, seemingly dazed.

"Arthur?" Merlin goes to sit next to him, putting an arm tentatively around Arthur's shoulders. "What happened?"

He turns his face towards Merlin, his eyes still out of focus. "Your mum called," he says. "She told me… Merlin, my father is dead."

"Oh Arthur, I'm so sorry," Merlin breathes.

"The doctors say he had a stroke," Arthur continues in a dead voice. "It didn't kill him, though. He collapsed on the floor and couldn't move. They say he was probably there for days. When nobody called or came to check on him, he died of thirst."

Arthur's voice breaks on the last sentence, every syllable dripping with guilt.

"Arthur, don't you dare blame yourself for this," Merlin says sharply.

Arthur's eyes meet Merlin's, and Merlin gasps at the raw pain he sees there. "I was his only family, Merlin," he says. "If I'd been to see him – if I'd even bothered to call – when he didn't answer, I could have sent someone to check. He would still be alive, but I didn't care, didn't give one damn, and now he's dead. I killed him, Merlin."

"No, Arthur," Merlin says firmly, pulling Arthur into a tight hug. "Your father made his own choices and drove everyone away. This is not your fault, do you understand me? This. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

Arthur leans into Merlin, seemingly having no energy to argue the point, though Merlin can tell Arthur doesn't believe him. Merlin gently lays Arthur on his back and lies down beside him, holding his boyfriend until he drifts off.

Finally, when Arthur is deeply asleep, Merlin reaches for his phone and calls his mum. Talking in whispers so as not to wake Arthur, Merlin gets all the funeral details, though he's not sure if Arthur will want to go.

Arthur stays in bed for the rest of the day, only sitting up when Merlin force-feeds him supper. Merlin sleeps badly that night, worrying about Arthur. It is only near dawn that he eventually falls into a deep, exhausted sleep.

When Merlin wakes, Arthur isn't there. That isn't like him – they usually get ready for the day together. Merlin figures Arthur had an early start and just wanted a bit of time alone – also unlike him, but hey, whatever Arthur needs. Some of the worry of last night lingers, though, for he feels the sudden urge to go check on Arthur.

He dresses quickly and goes to the psychology department; he and Arthur have each other's schedules memorised. The lecture hall is big, and Merlin spends a good ten minutes hovering at the door, but when he leaves, he's sure: Arthur isn't there. He grabs his phone and calls him, but it goes straight to voice mail.

_Don't panic,_ Merlin tells himself firmly. _If Arthur needs time alone, then of course you must give it to him._

Merlin reluctantly heads off to his lectures, but he is distracted, unable to concentrate for worry about Arthur.

Arthur doesn't turn up in the dining hall for lunch or supper, and by the evening, Merlin is very worried. His phone's shrill ring makes him jump, and he scrambles to answer, sure it must be Arthur.

"Arthur?"

"Merlin, it's Gwaine."

"Oh. Hi, Gwaine."

"I think you need to come to the Rising Sun," Gwaine says, sounding uncharacteristically serious.

"Why?"

"It's Arthur. He's here, totally hammered. The barman says he's been here since this morning."

"I'm on my way," Merlin says grimly, grabbing his coat on the way out.

"Merlin!" Arthur slurs happily as Merlin bursts into the pub. Gwaine is supporting Arthur, grimacing in worry at his uncharacteristic behaviour. "I'll get him to his room," Merlin mutters, making to take Arthur from Gwaine.

"You'll need some help, mate," Gwaine points out as Merlin staggers under Arthur's weight. Merlin just nods and Gwaine gets under Arthur's other arm. The two of them half carry him back up to his room.

"Is he ok?" Gwaine asks, eyeing Arthur, who has been babbling incoherent drunk rubbish.

"He's having a hard time," Merlin says, not meeting Gwaine's eye. "He'll get over it."

Merlin tucks an unconscious Arthur into bed and puts a bottle of water and an aspirin next to his bed. He grabs a bucket from the supply cupboard and places it conveniently on the floor next to Arthur before collapsing into bed himself, worn down by the stress of the day. _Surely_, he thinks as he quickly falls asleep, _Arthur will snap out of this soon._

Arthur doesn't snap out of anything. If anything, he gets worse. He brushes off all Merlin's attempts to talk to him, completely abandons his lectures, and spends all day every day in the bar. Merlin tries following him to stop him going overboard, but it does no good. Nothing can stop Arthur when he's determined. And he's determined to drown his guilt in alcohol.

Uther's funeral comes and goes, and Arthur has no interest in attending. Arthur and Merlin barely talk anymore – whenever Merlin tries, Arthur is either passed out, completely hammered, or puking his guts out. Merlin is beside himself with worry.

Weeks pass, but nothing changes. Merlin has always been the lightweight in the couple, but Arthur is coming back more and more spaced out each time. Merlin doesn't know what the barman of the Rising Sun is giving him, but Arthur is looking more and more haggard by the day.

Arthur is out – as usual – when Gwaine knocks on his door. "Merlin, I'm worried about Arthur," he says without preamble, sitting down on Merlin's desk chair.

"So am I," Merlin says wearily, wiping his hand across his face. "He's going to do his liver in if he keeps on like this."

"It's not his liver I'm worried about."

When Merlin glances at Gwaine, he's looking grimmer than Merlin has ever seen him. "What is it?" Merlin breathes, fear for Arthur gripping him anew.

"I saw him with Nimueh yesterday."

"Um… ok? Who's Nimueh?"

"Merlin, she's one of Albion's known drug dealers."

There is a dead beat of silence as the words filter into Merlin's tired, stressed brain. "Shit!" he yells, jumping up. "Shit, shit, shit! Why didn't I see this coming before?" He gets up and starts blindly pacing the room.

"Merlin, you couldn't have known," Gwaine tries to comfort him.

"I should have," Merlin says feverishly. "After Morgana… God, how did I not guess he could go this way? Gwaine, what am I going to do?"

Before Gwaine can answer, Arthur staggers in, looking high. How could Merlin not have recognised it for what it was before? Sure, he's never touched drugs, but surely he should have known that Arthur's intoxication wasn't merely from alcohol?

Merlin jumps up without speaking and grabs Arthur's sweater, pushing the arms above his elbows.

"Oh my God."

Merlin feels faint and sick and dizzy. The insides of Arthur's arms are covered in needle marks.

To be continued


	9. P2, Ch2

"Merlin, calm down."

"Calm down? Calm down? He's on drugs, Gwaine!" Merlin shouts, gesturing to a passed out Arthur, his voice getting increasingly shrilly in his panic. "What am I going to do? I don't know what to do, Gwaine!"

Merlin's head is spinning. Arthur is the one who talks him through problems, helps him make decisions. Merlin can't do it without him. Yet Arthur is the one who will suffer if he can't.

"We need to get him into rehab," Gwaine says calmly.

"Yes," Merlin gasps. "Yes, we'll call someone. They can take him and make sure he stays there until he gets better. Yes." He tries in vain to stop the world from spinning, to stop feeling like his life is spiralling out of control and there's nothing he can do about it.

Gwaine is already shaking his head. "I know enough about this stuff to know that you don't get better unless you want to get better," he says. "A clinic could keep Arthur away from drugs while he's inside, but unless he really wants to recover, he'll just go straight back onto them when he gets back out. Dragging him in there against his will isn't a good approach. He needs to want it."

"So what am I supposed to do? Arthur doesn't want to hear what I have to say. He's set on his stupid self-destructive path, all because he thinks he killed his father! I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to die, Gwaine. How am I supposed to convince him otherwise? I've already tried, he doesn't want to hear what I have to say!"

"I don't know, Merlin, I really don't. I've seen how he listens to you, though. If anyone can convince Arthur, it's you."

Merlin gapes soundlessly at him. Arthur's life is in his hands, and Merlin has no idea how to save it.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do," Gwaine says, squeezing Merlin's shoulder sympathetically before closing the door softly behind him.

Merlin's head falls into his hands as he tries to think.

"Ok, first thing, don't let him take any more," he says, talking aloud to himself, trying to marshal his thoughts. He locks the door and grabs Arthur's key from his wallet, stuffing it along with his own under his pillow. Merlin begins to pace, scared to fall asleep in case Arthur manages to find some way out while he's still sleeping.

It seems like years rather than hours, but eventually dawn starts to lighten the sky. Arthur has been getting up earlier lately – he's usually in the Rising Sun before Merlin has even woken up. Not this time, though.

Arthur groans faintly as he flops out of bed, staggering towards the door. He pulls at it, and the look on his face would have been comical if it wasn't so serious.

"Arthur." Merlin stands up from his desk chair. "We need to talk."

"Can't talk now, Merlin, lots to do."

"No, Arthur, now," Merlin says, ignoring Arthur as he tugs on the door again and starts searching his wallet for his key.

"I know about the drugs."

Arthur freezes for only a second. "Don't know what you're talking about," he says, not meeting Merlin's eyes.

"Gwaine saw you with Nimueh, Arthur. I saw your arms last night. Don't bother pretending."

Arthur ignores him, still searching his wallet.

"You need to go to rehab, Arthur."

"Like hell I do," Arthur spits. Giving up on the search for his key, he starts bashing his shoulder against the door. Merlin can see him shaking slightly, evidently in need of his next fix.

"Let me out!" Arthur snarls at Merlin.

"No. Not until you agree to get better. I'm not leaving you like this, Arthur."

"What have you done with the keys?"

"Arthur, you have to go to rehab. I'm not going to let you destroy yourself like this."

"It's none of your business what I do!"

"Like hell it is!" Merlin yells, suddenly angry. "We're in this together, Arthur, whether you like it or not. We are not leaving this room until you agree to go to rehab."

What happens next, Merlin would never have seen coming. He guesses he just underestimated exactly what drugs can do to a person. Arthur is spinning in his direction, fists flying. The next thing Merlin knows, there is a sickening pain in the back of his head and everything goes black.

He wakes up to find the room in shambles. His pillow is lying on the floor, and Arthur's key is gone from under it. Cursing, Merlin staggers up, only to be hit by a wave of dizziness. He puts his hand to the wall to stop from falling over, and his fingers on his head reveal dried blood.

Merlin staggers out towards the Rising Sun. There, he sees what he knew he would find, but dreaded all the same. Arthur, slumped against a wall, his eyes dazed and a silly smile on his face. Merlin wants to cry and scream at the same time. Instead, he grabs Arthur's arm and pulls him away. In his high state, Arthur doesn't protest. Merlin is still unsteady, though, and staggers, almost falling.

"Merlin?" Leon's concerned face swims into his vision. "What happened to you?" Leon gasps, staring at Merlin in horror. Evidently, there was more dried blood than Merlin had realised.

"Please help me get him up to his room," Merlin says calmly.

Leon takes on look at Arthur and throws one of Arthur's arms around his shoulder, but he doesn't stop questioning Merlin all the way up. "Merlin, you have to report this. Whoever did this to you has to pay. You can't just let some maniac keep running around doing things like this."

"I'll do that, Leon," Merlin says, nodding vigorously. "I just want to get Arthur upstairs…"

He's not sure if Leon can tell he's lying, but thankfully Leon doesn't protest.

Once Arthur is sleeping it off, Merlin means to go to the bathroom and wash the blood of his head and face. The night without sleep along with the blood loss, though, are too much, and Merlin is soon passed out beside Arthur.

He wakes as soon as Arthur starts to get up. "Arthur, wait!" he calls desperately. He didn't bother locking the door again – look how well that worked out yesterday.

Arthur turns reluctantly, and his eyes go wide at the sight of Merlin, who remembers that he has yet to wash the blood off.

"Who did this to you?" Arthur demands, and Merlin sees a flash of the old Arthur in his eyes.

"Don't you remember?" he asks softly.

Arthur shakes his head. Merlin realises that trying to constrain Arthur physically was a mistake. Arthur has always been physically more powerful than him. If Merlin wants to help him, he'll have to attack Arthur where he is weak – on emotional ground.

"You did," Merlin says, staring straight into Arthur's eyes. "I tried to stop you leaving yesterday to get more drugs, and you hit me. Knocked me out. I woke up in a pool of my own blood."

Merlin wants to take back the words at the guilt on Arthur's face, but he doesn't. If this is the only way to help Arthur, he won't hesitate.

He gets up slowly and runs his hands down Arthur's arms. "Arthur. You're killing yourself, doing this," he says softly. "Not only that, but you're killing me. Please, Arthur. Don't you love me?"

"You know I do," Arthur says, his voice hoarse and ragged.

"Then get better," Merlin whispers. "For me, Arthur. Please, you need help."

"Like rehab?"

"Yes, like rehab."

Merlin sees the familiar look of panic in Arthur's eyes. "I can't, Merlin," he says, backing away. "They'll take my drugs away. I _need_ them Merlin, I can't get through a day without them."

"I know," Merlin says. "That's what they'll do – they'll help you be able to get through a day on your own."

Arthur is shaking his head, backing away until his back hits the wall. "No, Merlin, I can't."

"And then what will happen, Arthur? What happens the next time I try to stop you and you hit me just a bit too hard? How will you feel when you come back and find my body?"

"You – you should leave. I'm no good for you, Merlin."

"You know I won't leave you. I'm in this with you, Arthur."

Arthur's eyes are wide and liquid. "Why would you say that?" he whispers. "You're right, I _could_ have killed you. Why are you not running for the hills?"

"Because I love you," Merlin says simply. "I love you, and if you really love me, you'll do this for me. Get better."

"I can't." But the words are more a plea than a denial.

Merlin steps closer, putting his hands on Arthur's waist. "You won't be alone, Arthur. I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise, it'll be ok. We can go right now. You deserve better than this, Arthur. Just come with me, and I promise, it will get better."

Arthur is mouthing soundlessly at Merlin, his eyes wide with fear.

Merlin takes a step back and holds out his hand. "Come on, Arthur. Let me help you. I love you. I'm never going to give up on you. Just trust me."

Arthur is shaking so badly that he looks like he's about to collapse. Never breaking Merlin's gaze, he takes a slow step forward, placing his hand in Merlin's, putting all trust in the one person who has never betrayed him.

Merlin knows the way to the rehab centre – he looked it up online when he stayed awake all night with Arthur. He bundles Arthur into the car and drives him there. Arthur looks nothing short of petrified. "It'll be ok, Arthur," Merlin says softly.

Arthur seems unable to speak.

When Merlin parks, he comes around and takes Arthur's hand, leading him to the gate like a small child. Arthur balks when it's time to step inside. "No, Merlin, I can't," he mutters, trying to tug his hand away.

"Yes, you can," Merlin says. "I believe in you, Arthur. You can do this. It's going to be alright, I promise."

Arthur's eyes are locked on Merlin's, and Merlin can almost see the battle going on behind them. Finally, Arthur hangs his head and lets Merlin lead him inside. Arthur sits on the couch while Merlin talks to the receptionist. They don't have to wait long before a doctor comes to meet them.

"Hello, I'm Gaius," he says kindly, looking down at Arthur. Arthur doesn't raise his head. "Why don't you come to my office?" Gaius suggests. "We can have a nice chat."

Arthur glances at Merlin, who nods encouragingly. "You go on. I'll be right here. Ok?"

"Ok," Arthur mumbles.

Gaius gestures to one of the nurses, who leads Arthur by the hand to an office across the hall. Merlin jiggles his foot anxiously, waiting. They seem to be in there a long time. Finally, Gaius sticks his head and calls Merlin in. Arthur is sitting in a chair opposite Gaius' desk, looking a little calmer.

"Well, Merlin, I thought I'd just get you up to speed," Gaius says. "As I was telling Arthur, we do a six month programme. The first few months will include bringing him down slowly from the drugs he's on, as well as individual therapy. As he gets better, he'll be allowed to socialise with other patients in his wing and start attending a variety of therapeutic groups."

"What's your success rate?" Merlin asks quietly, suddenly feeling quite as nervous as Arthur.

Gaius smiles kindly. "Well, that all depends on the person, and what kind of support they get when they get out. A good support system is crucial. Somehow, I don't think Arthur will have a problem there, will he?"

"No," Merlin says. "I'd do anything for him."

"Then I don't want you to worry," Gaius says gently. "We'll take good care of him, I promise. Visiting hours are from eight to ten every evening, so he'll be able to come and visit you every day, Arthur, alright?"

"Alright," Arthur says, glancing at Merlin.

"Of course I'll come every day, you prat," Merlin says, answering his unspoken question.

Gaius smiles at the pair of them. "Merlin, before I start Arthur off, is there anything you'd like to add from your side?"

Merlin glances at Arthur, slightly guilty about giving away his secrets, but Gaius does need all the information. "I think Arthur blames himself for his father's death," Merlin says. "All this started shortly after he died. I tried to help – but I –" Merlin feels tears in his eyes, suddenly ashamed that he wasn't able to help Arthur sooner.

"There, there, I'm sure it's not your fault," Gaius says, patting Merlin on the back. "Anyway, he's here now. You got him here relatively early – I've seen much worse cases, to be sure. If all goes well, Arthur should make a full recovery with no lasting damage."

Merlin stays to help Arthur unpack his stuff, but eventually the nurses chivvy him out. "I'll be back tonight, ok?" Merlin says, pausing at the door.

Arthur is sitting on the bed, looking forlorn and alone. "Ok," he says softly.

"Don't worry, dear, we'll take good care of him," the nurse says as she escorts Merlin out.

"Could you sit with him for a while?" Merlin asks. "I know he doesn't look it, but he's really freaked out by all of this."

"Of course, dear," she says, smiling and patting him on the shoulder. Merlin watches as she bustles back to Arthur's room, closing the door behind her.

To be continued


	10. P2, Ch3

Day one

"You look like hell, Arthur."

"I feel like hell," he mutters. He is sweating and shaking, pale as a ghost.

Merlin doesn't know what to say. Despite knowing that this is in Arthur's best interests, he feels guilty for the pain he's suffering now.

"Hey, stop that," Arthur says.

"What?"

"Torturing yourself over me. You… you were right, Merlin. About everything. I – "

Merlin can hear the thank you hovering on the tip of his tongue, but Arthur can't quite bring himself to say it.

"You know I'd do anything for you," he murmurs.

Day two

It's hard – very hard – to force himself to go to lectures the next day, as though everything is normal. Merlin tries to concentrate, but the image of Arthur – in pain and shaking – keeps popping up in his mind. He knows he has to pull himself together, that Arthur will be in rehab for the next six months and Merlin's studies aren't just going to sort themselves out.

He has a stilted conversation with Gwaine, but even Gwaine can tell that Merlin's mind is elsewhere. "Hey, let me know when he's ready for other visitors, will you?" he says before he and Merlin part.

"Ok… that may not be for a while."

Gwaine laughs. "The rest of us aren't as oblivious as you think; we've all seen what the Princess is like. So if he can stand to let anyone but you see he's vulnerable… let me know."

Gwaine winks cheerily, but Merlin grabs his arm. "Gwaine? Give Nimueh my regards."

Gwaine smiles a truly evil smile. "That, I can do."

The next time Merlin sees Nimueh, she's twitching, constantly looking over her shoulder and she screams when someone calls her name from behind.

Merlin sits in his room, waiting for eight o'clock. The rehab centre is only ten minutes away. He forces himself to stay put until twenty to eight, but he can't stand it any longer. Merlin jumps into Arthur's car and drives like a maniac to Avalon Clinic, arriving ten minutes early. The nurses take pity on him and his undoubtedly wild expression and let him in to see Arthur early.

Arthur looks worse, truly pitiful. Merlin knows they're trying to let him down slowly, but it's still not a pleasant experience. "How are you doing?" he asks, closing the door to Arthur's room and lowering himself into an armchair.

As soon as the door closes, Arthur drops his relatively ok expression and Merlin sees how truly miserable he is. "I don't think I can do this," he says softly. "All these people, they're all expecting things of me, and it _hurts all the time,_ Merlin. They want me to talk to them about stuff, but I don't know how to talk about stuff, and I _need_ my fix, Merlin, I need it."

Arthur sounds like he's about to burst into tears. Merlin's heart melts for him and he sits down on the bed next to Arthur, wrapping an arm tightly around him. "You can do this, I promise," he says. "It'll get easier. I've done all the research. Everyone says that the early days are the worst. Just… just try to be open, ok?"

Arthur looks doubtful, and Merlin can't blame him. He may as well ask Arthur to let them perform open heart surgery on him on his bedroom floor – at least, that's how it must look from Arthur's point of view.

"Also," Arthur continues, seeming determined to get everything off his mind now that the one person he can talk to is present, "I don't think – I can't… Merlin, even when I was completely wasted or high all the time, you were still there. I know you think I didn't care, but… you've always been there for me, and I don't know if I can do this without you."

"You don't have to do it without me," Merlin says emphatically. "I'm here for you, Arthur. I'll be here every day, and you know you can call me at any time. I know it's not the same," he adds when Arthur opens his mouth, "but it's only for six months. The time will pass, eventually. You'll be as right as rain in no time."

He offers Arthur a sunny smile, to which Arthur replies with a grimace.

"Come here you big baby," Merlin says, leaning against the headboard and holding out his arms. Arthur eagerly snuggles into him, pulling Merlin's arms tightly around him. Merlin pulls a blanket over the pair of them and just holds Arthur, knowing that he needs the unspoken comfort more than anything right now.

Finally, the nurse comes to kick Merlin out and he goes with one last regretful kiss.

"I'll be back tomorrow," he promises.

"I'll be counting on it," Arthur says, his eyes wide and open.

"I know." Merlin smiles before backing out and closing the door behind him.

Day twenty

"Go away."

"Not a chance, Arthur."

The nurses warned Merlin that Arthur was having a bad day, so this doesn't come entirely as a surprise to Merlin. "Budge up," he says, shoving Arthur's legs out of the way so that he can sit pressed up against him in the bed. Seemingly despite himself, Arthur leans into him, letting his head rest on Merlin's shoulder.

"This place is rubbish. I'm rubbish. I'm never going to get over it. I'll just get out and go back to Nimueh –"

"Stop it," Merlin says. "I'm not going to let that happen, ok? Who do you think it was who dragged you to this 'rubbish' rehab in the first place?"

Arthur doesn't reply, too busy pouting and glaring at the wall.

"Gaius says you're doing well," Merlin says, quiet pride in his voice. "I know how hard it is for you to talk to people, Arthur, but even if it's only ever Gaius and me – and you can go straight back to ignoring Gaius once you're out – we'll be ok."

Arthur can't keep up his bad temper with Merlin so close, so he leans up for a kiss, all soft and needy. Merlin gently pecks his lips, laughing when Arthur props himself up properly for a deeper kiss.

Day one hundred and five

"He's really, great, and he's had a much harder time than me," Arthur says. "His girlfriend finally forced him here, and he's doing really well. He told me all about meetings and sponsorship – it really doesn't sound all that bad."

Merlin is grinning widely as Arthur talks about his new friend Percival. "See, I told you so," he says teasingly. "I knew you'd make friends here eventually."

"Gwaine came to visit yesterday, too," Arthur says, still bubbling with happy optimism. "He's been really great about all this – I told him I forgive him for all those times he flirted with you."

"How nice," Merlin says dryly. "I'm sure that gave him a laugh."

"He was rolling on the floor," Arthur confirms with a chuckle. "Gwaine may be many things, but apologetic isn't one of them."

Day one hundred and fifty

"Are you sure?" Merlin asks.

"Quite sure," Gaius says. "He's been struggling, and asking for you. A longer visit will do him good. You can come as soon as suits you."

Merlin considers his long line of lectures for the day for a split second before telling them they can go get stuffed. "I'm on my way," he says.

Arthur is still in bed, in spite of the staff's many attempts to coax him out.

"What's wrong, Arthur?"

"What do you think?" he asks, looking perfectly desperate. "I've stayed clean before I've had no choice – they keep us locked up in here. But when I leave, there will be a choice. A lot of choice, Merlin! And what if I don't make the right choice? What if…"

Merlin shuts him up with a kiss. "You think I'll give you a choice, you prat? You have only one task, Arthur: talk to me. If you feel like you're slipping, I'll lock you in a padded cell myself, if that's what it takes. You will be fine. Come on, you must be going out of your mind cooped up in here. Aren't you at least a little excited to be getting back into the world?"

A reluctant smile tugs at the corner of Arthur's mouth. "Well, maybe a little."

"You see? It'll be fine."

"Thank you," Arthur blurts out, seemingly wanting to get the words out as quickly as possible before he changes his mind. "I – after Morgana… I never really expected anything from anyone, except being let down. The way you've stuck by me, even after I nearly killed you… just – I love you."

"I love you, too," Merlin says, stroking Arthur's face.

Day one hundred and sixty six

"Stop overthinking," Merlin says, before even greeting Arthur.

"I'm not overthinking."

"Yes you are," Merlin accuses. "I know you too well, Arthur Pendragon, you can't hide anything from me. You will be fine. I am not going to let anyone hurt you – even yourself."

Arthur is still wearing that permanently nervous-going-on-outright-scared look he's been wearing for the last week.

"Two more weeks, Merlin, and I'm out of here."

"You'll still come as an outpatient."

"I know, but it's not the same."

"Arthur, it'll be fine. Besides, I brought someone to cheer you up. Come on in," Merlin calls.

"Hello, Arthur."

"Hunith!"

Merlin's mum comes in slowly, as though Arthur is a wounded animal she is trying very hard not to spook. "Merlin has told me all about how well you've been doing," she says in a warm voice. "We're both so proud of you."

Arthur blushes as Hunith plants a kiss on his cheek. "I didn't know you were coming," he says.

"Oh darling, that's what a surprise is! It is Merlin's holidays, and since he wouldn't come home, I thought I'd come here to visit him."

"It's very nice of you…"

"Oh sush, Arthur," she says, rummaging in her handbag and coming out with a packet of biscuits. Arthur's eyes widen in glee as she hands it over to him. Merlin grins behind Arthur's back, watching as his boyfriend's anxiety melts under Hunith's motherly love.

Day one hundred and seventy nine

"I can't do it. I don't want to leave."

Merlin is infinitely patient. "You'll be fine, Arthur. They wouldn't let you go if they thought you could handle it. Come on, I've specially cleaned the room for you."

"You haven't planned a big party of anything?" Arthur asks, his eyes going wide.

"No, of course not," Merlin says soothingly. "But I did pick up all of my socks from the floor and wash my underwear."

Merlin's eyes are twinkling and Arthur can't help but chuckle. "You cleaning – that's a sight I'd like to see. I should go to rehab more often."

Merlin laughs with him. "If you want the room clean, you'll have to be good," he says.

"You won't let me be bad anyway."

"True…" Merlin purses his lips. "Fine, then you'll owe me lots of sexual favours."

"Deal," Arthur says.

Day one hundred and eighty.

Merlin fidgets in the waiting room, watching the door. Any second, Arthur will come out from his final session with Gaius. Well, he'll still be seeing Gaius once a month, but it's not the same. Merlin has taped his sponsor's number to Arthur's headboard back in his room, and pledged to take him to his NA meetings every week – the words "even if I have to drag you there by your toenails" came up.

Arthur finally comes out, looking nervous, but relatively confident.

"You ready?" Merlin asks.

Arthur glances at Gaius before giving Merlin a steady nod. He wordlessly holds out his hand and Merlin takes it, squeezing gently. "Ok, then let's go."

Arthur shoulders his bag faces the gate. Unlike last time, Merlin doesn't need to half drag him. While Arthur is by no means suddenly a free and open person, his time in the clinic has changed him. There is a few confidence in his step, and the guilt in his eyes has all but gone. He seems to have finally come to terms with his father's death.

Just as they step out of the gate, Arthur presses a kiss to Merlin's cheek.

"Thank you," he says.

To be continued


	11. P2, Ch4

"I want to leave, Merlin," Arthur insists.

"Arthur…"

"No, I can't do it. It's too close – I remember – it's…" he trails off, shrugging helplessly.

"Ok," Merlin says.

Arthur looks up at him. "Ok?"

"Ok," Merlin repeats. "If that's what you need, we'll move. We can go right now."

"But… but you love it here. You've got friends here."

"They'll still be my friends," Merlin says. "I wanted you to try staying here, but you have and if it's not working for you, we'll leave. We can stay in a hotel until we find an apartment close to the university. Alright?"

Arthur nods shakily.

"Do you need me to stay with you?" Merlin asks.

Arthur hesitates, looking torn.

"Arthur, don't you dare lie to me," Merlin says warningly.

"Um, yes, if that's ok," Arthur says, blushing. Merlin smiles at him and grabs his bag.

It's been two weeks since Arthur got out of rehab, and it's been a struggle. Arthur's sponsor – Owain – has been great, but Arthur hates being in the same environment with the same temptations. Hence the moving out. "Come on, let's go for a walk," Merlin says. "Clear your head."

Merlin takes Arthur's hand and leads him out to the garden. Arthur always feels guilty when Merlin does this, but Merlin can get his friend Freya to take notes for him. Merlin made it very clear to Arthur from the beginning that if at any time Arthur didn't trust himself to be alone, he was to tell Merlin, and Merlin would stick to his side like glue until Arthur was ok again.

As they walk, Merlin sees Nimueh heading in the opposite direction. His glare has her skittering to the other side of the path. He doesn't know what Gwaine said to her before Arthur got back, but Nimueh goes white at the very sight of Arthur and does everything she can do avoid him.

Merlin pulls Arthur to a bench and sits them both down. "We need to think about what you're going to do when we move," he says. "I'll be here for a good part of the day, and you can't just stay alone in the house. Are you sure you don't want to go to lectures? I'm sure, given the circumstances, they would be understanding and help you catch up."

Arthur shakes his head emphatically. "No, no lectures! I can't be here Merlin…"

"Ok, ok," Merlin says soothing, rubbing Arthur's arm. "You'll leave, then. That's fine. But you can't just do nothing. Remember, Gaius said you should have a set schedule? We need to think about what you're going to do."

"I'll think about it," Arthur promises.

Five weeks later

"Alright, Arthur, that's it," Merlin says. "I've been patient and understanding, but I am not just going to let you cower in fear here for the rest of your life."

Arthur looks up from the TV. Since they moved into their new house four weeks ago, he's spent most of the time in the TV room, refusing to leave the house.

"You don't understand," he mumbles.

"Yes, I do, Arthur," Merlin says, coming to sit down beside him. "Believe me, I get it. You had a bad experience and now you're afraid to go back out into the world, but I am not going to let you shut yourself away. You wanted to by a psychologist, to help kids like you. I know you still want that, even if you're too afraid to say it.

"Now, I've been doing some research. Albion University isn't the only one in this city – it's the biggest, but certainly not the only one. There are plenty of others that offer the courses you want with none of the bad memories. Look, I got you pamphlets."

"No, Merlin, I can't!" Arthur says, the same panic in his eyes that emerges every time Merlin suggests he do something even vaguely risky.

"Arthur, it'll be ok," Merlin says softly. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you, but you have to trust me. You do trust me, right?"

Arthur closes his eyes for a moment. "Yes," he says.

"Then trust me on this. It'll be good for you – take your mind off all your old fears. Now, look at this – Mercia College. It's close to us, and they are supposed to have great courses. I've called the lecturer and made an appointment to meet with her tomorrow. We'll go together, alright?"

Arthur's eyes are wide, but they meet Merlin's and a modicum of calm comes into them. "Alright," he says.

Two years later

"You look great," Arthur says reassuringly.

Merlin fidgets with his robe, glancing in the mirror. "What if I trip?" he asks, his voice high and worried.

"You're not going to trip, Merlin," Arthur says patiently.

"This graduation robe was made to trip people up!" Merlin wails in despair as he stumbles on the hem. Arthur just laughs and pulls him in for a kiss. "Tell you what," he says against Merlin's lips. "If you trip, then when I graduate next year, I'll trip, too. Then we'll match."

This gets a laugh out of Merlin. "That's absurd."

"You're absurd. And I love you. Now come on, or we're going to be late."

Gwaine is waiting for them by the fountain. He glances at Arthur, but Arthur seems to be doing alright. After two years at Mercia, having not set foot back at Albion University, Merlin had worried how he could cope with being back. Arthur insisted on being there for Merlin's graduation, though, and Merlin didn't have the heart to tell him to stay away.

"Merlin!" Hunith runs at her son, throwing her arms around him. She grabs Arthur, too, and kisses him on the cheek. "You boys have been working too hard," she scolds. "I hardly see you anymore!"

"Sorry, mum," Merlin says, but Hunith is smiling.

"You ready?" Merlin asks Gwaine.

Gwaine rolls his eyes. "I still can't believe I wasted all those hours studying."

"Well, it's your own fault you failed a year and had to repeat," Merlin points out.

"Don't remind me," Gwaine mutters. "Come on, we should get going. See you Arthur, Mrs Emrys."

Arthur and Hunith wave as Gwaine and Merlin go to join the line of students waiting to graduate. Merlin stands with Gwaine, but keeps looking over his shoulder at Arthur.

"Really, Merlin, can't you two be away from each other for five minutes?" Gwaine mutters, grinning.

"No, not really." Their laughter is cut off as the head of Albion steps onto the stage. He gives a short speech which none of the students really listen to. Finally, the line starts moving – slowly, but moving. As Merlin reaches out to take his certificate, his eyes meet Arthur's. Arthur's face is glowing with pride and joy and Merlin can't help but blush a little.

Leon is standing in the crowd, waving at Gwaine – he didn't fail a year, and graduated last year. Freya stands to Merlin's right, bouncing off the balls of her feet in excitement. Finally, when everyone starts to clap, Merlin takes his hat off and throws it up with the others, feeling on top of the world.

Two months later

"Arthur! Arthur, I got it!"

Merlin flies in the door, straight into Arthur's waiting arms.

"I knew it!" Arthur crows. "You're amazing, Merlin!"

Merlin grins widely, his forehead almost touching Arthur's. "I still can't believe Gwen is going to be my _boss_."

"Be grateful, you wretch," Arthur teases.

"I am," Merlin sighs, and he really is. It's like a fairy tale. He's kept in touch with Gwen and Lancelot, even though they went to different universities. Fate, however, seems to have plans for them. When Gwen and Lancelot moved to Albion, Gwen quickly got a job as the manager at Albion International Bank. Soon after, Lancelot came to work for them.

Now, Merlin is to be joining the team. With Lancelot's degree in physics and Merlin's in maths, they'll make a good team to keep the bank up and running, with Gwen making sure that they don't slack off.

Merlin smiles, wondering how they manage it. Gwen and Lancelot have been together since high school; it must be interesting to work together. As soon as he starts working with them, he'll be on Lancelot's case; it's about time he asked Gwen to marry him.

Arthur brings Merlin out of his dreamy haze with a very firm kiss. Merlin responds enthusiastically, pressing himself up against Arthur's body.

"You should be studying," Merlin says guiltily, breaking away.

"My boyfriend has just gotten his first job. Studying can wait."

Merlin doesn't particularly feel like waiting, so he allows Arthur to push him onto the couch. The angle is awkward, but they don't care as their bodies rub together. Merlin moans and closes his eyes.

"What do you want?" Arthur murmurs. "I'll do anything you want me to – I told you I'd reward you if you got the job."

Merlin chuckles breathlessly. "Table," he whispers. "Undress."

They quickly clear the table of all objects and Arthur lies down on top of it, naked. Merlin quickly strips off his own clothes, impatient.

"Turn over," Merlin says hoarsely, and Arthur turns so that he's lying on his stomach.

Merlin climbs on top of him, straddling Arthur, sitting on his legs. He leans down to kiss the back of Arthur's neck, grinding his erection against Arthur's back. Arthur's breathing picks up as he is pushed harder into the table. Merlin starts to move, rubbing backwards and forwards, throwing his head back and not even trying to keep the sounds locked in his throat.

"Arthur," he groans. Arthur responds with an inarticulate noise. Merlin forces himself to stop, not wanting to come like this. He reaches over as Arthur makes a noise of protest at the movement ceasing. Merlin grabs the lube and condoms from the drawer next to the table – they've learned just to keep these things all around the house.

He pushes Arthur's legs open and kneels between them, pulling open his cheeks, exposing his tight hole. Merlin trails a finger teasingly around it and Arthur squirms, desperate for a firmer touch. Merlin lets his fingers trail down Arthur's thighs and Arthur shivers.

"Merlin, please," he whines. Merlin chuckles and coats his fingers in lube. He doesn't give Arthur any warning before plunging the first one in, and Arthur's gasp prompts a corresponding lurch in Merlin's groin. He leans on Arthur's back, pushing his erection harder into the table and Arthur pants raggedly, squirming under Merlin's touch.

Merlin adds another finger and wiggles it, curling it inwards. Arthur yells loudly and bucks as Merlin brushes against his spot. "More, please," he gasps. Merlin usually teases Arthur for a bit longer than this, but he doesn't think he can wait much longer. He pushes in a third finger, then a fourth.

"Hurry up," Arthur moans, his voice harsh and rough as he presses himself onto Merlin's fingers.

"Get up onto your knees," Merlin instructs. Arthur does it immediately, protesting and pushing back as Merlin removes his fingers so that he can put on a condom.

He puts his hands firmly on Arthur's hips as his erection brushes Arthur's open hole. He hesitates, smiling at Arthur, even though he knows Arthur can't see him.

"Please, Merlin," Arthur gasps, quivering under the not-quite-enough touch.

Merlin kisses his back as he thrusts in. He intends to go slowly, but his body has other ideas, taking over completely. He pulls Arthur to him, pushing in and out forcefully, his breath leaving his body in a grunt with each thrust. Arthur moves one of the arms propping him up and wobbles slightly as he reaches for his own weeping erection.

Merlin steadies him and pushes in again and again, revelling in the ever increasing waves of pleasure. Arthur yells and goes limp as he comes, leaving Merlin to hold him up for one, two more thrusts before Merlin too is coming, screaming Arthur's name, his head spinning with the power of the orgasm.

The two of them collapse heavily on top of the table. Merlin thinks he may black out for a minute, but he's not entirely sure. Eventually, he pulls out and staggers over to the sink to get a cleaning cloth, still slightly dizzy.

"Come on," he says, rolling Arthur off the table.

Arthur just grins lazily up at him. "I'm proud of you," he says.

"Believe me, Arthur, after that, you don't need to tell me," Merlin says, leaning in for another kiss. "I know."

To be continued


	12. P2, Ch5

Merlin hurries to his desk, hoping no one sees him. It's not that he doesn't love his job, but the early morning punctuality isn't something he's particularly good at. Lancelot rolls his eyes at Merlin, but he doesn't think anyone else sees.

"Merlin, good," Gwen says, entering the room just as he throws his bag down next to him. "You know what you need to do?"

"Yes – it sounds great!" Merlin says enthusiastically. He and Lancelot are working on a model to track the money flow through the bank better. Gwen goes to her desk and Lancelot comes over to talk models. He and Merlin are well into a good, long discussion when the room suddenly goes quiet.

Merlin glances up to see Valiant. He gulps. The bank owner intimidates everyone, and Merlin is no exception. So nobody blames him for jumping when Valiant beckons. "Merlin, I'd like to see you in my office, please."

Merlin shoots a worried glance at Lancelot and Gwen, but there isn't anything they can do. He gets up and follows Valiant, wondering what he's done.

"Well, Merlin," Valiant says, smiling broadly. "I just thought I'd congratulate you on settling in so well with your colleagues."

"Thank you, sir," Merlin says, relieved that it's nothing bad. His apprehension returns, however, when Valiant comes around the desk, standing very close to Merlin. "I don't often take a shine to new employees, Merlin," he says, standing so close that Merlin can smell his breath. "I've taken one to you, though."

"Thank – thank you," Merlin stutters, backing up until he hits the wall. Valiant follows him, staying in Merlin's personal space. Merlin looks at his predatory expression and tries not to cringe. Valiant doesn't give any warning – he grabs Merlin's face and kisses him roughly.

"Sir!" Merlin jerks his head aside. Valiant stops, but doesn't let go of him.

"It would be unwise for a new employee to get in my bad books, Merlin," he says. "I'm very influential in the banking world, after all. If you were to offend me in some way… well, let's just say it wouldn't take very many emails to make you un-hireable. That same goes for your friends Gwen and Lancelot."

Merlin's face pales at these last words and his body goes slack.

"There's a good boy," Valiant says, leaning forward again. Merlin forces himself to stay limp as Valiant kisses him, trying not to gag at the feeling of the other man's mouth on his.

Finally, Valiant pulls away and chuckles. "More of that later," he says, smiling at Merlin. "Now, you need to get back to work."

Merlin staggers out of the office, working to put a neutral expression back on his face before he is confronted by his colleagues.

Xxx

At first, Merlin seems to love his new job. About a week in, however, Arthur starts to notice him acting strangely. He can't put his finger on whatever it is, but Arthur gets the sense that something is amiss. Finally, a month into the job, Arthur decides to talk to him about it.

"Merlin?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

They are cuddled up on the couch watching TV as per usual after dinner. Arthur reaches for the remote and turns the volume down. "Is work going ok?"

Merlin's body tenses ever so slightly against his, but his tone is airy. "Yes, it's fine. Great. Why do you ask?"

"You just seem… I think something is wrong. You can tell me, you know."

"It's fine, Arthur," Merlin says. He leans forward to kiss Arthur, who allows himself to be distracted. After all, if there's something wrong, Merlin will tell him, right?

Arthur lets it slide for another two weeks before he realises that he's wrong. Whatever the problem is, Merlin doesn't seem to want to talk about it. When Merlin comes in, his eyes are rimmed red and Arthur can tell he's been crying, though Merlin vehemently denies it.

Arthur watches Merlin shut himself in their room, leaving Arthur standing pointlessly in the hall. He sighs and flops down onto the couch, head in his hands, thinking. He's never been good at this, at helping other people. Merlin was always the one who helped him… but now Merlin's the one who needs help, and Arthur isn't going to let him keep on being miserable alone.

_What would Merlin do, if it were me?_ he asks himself. Arthur smiles. Of course, Merlin wouldn't let him not talk about the problem. Merlin would force Arthur to tell him, then find some way to make him feel better. He would be strong and refuse to give up. Now, it's Arthur's turn to be strong and refuse to give up on Merlin.

"Merlin!" He opens the door perhaps a bit more forcefully than he intended and Merlin jumps in surprise. "Sorry," Arthur says, going to sit on the bed beside Merlin. He takes Merlin's hands in his. "Merlin, something is wrong, and you're going to tell me what."

"There's nothing wrong," Merlin says dully.

"Yes there is, Merlin. I've tried giving you space and that hasn't worked. You need to talk to me now."

Merlin just closes his eyes and shakes his head. Arthur forces himself not to growl in frustration. How does Merlin do this? How does he even deal with someone who won't talk to him? Arthur's only been at it a few minutes and he already sucks at it.

He knows what Merlin would do, though. He wouldn't get frustrated. He'd be patient and kind.

Arthur takes a deep breath. "It's ok, Merlin," he says gently. "Whatever it is, I can help you. Just tell me."

"No one can help me," Merlin chokes, and he starts to cry.

Feeling totally lost and out of his depth, Arthur puts his arms around Merlin and holds him close. It seems to be the right thing to do, for Merlin melts into him, clinging tightly, crying all the harder.

"Shh, it's ok," Arthur says, rubbing his back. "You can tell me."

"I can't," Merlin sobs. "It's not just me – if it was – but Gwen and Lancelot – I can't ruin their lives, too…"

Arthur just holds Merlin close and lets him cry himself out. Finally, Merlin's sobs quiet into small sniffles. Arthur grabs a tissue and hands it to him. "You need to tell me, Merlin," he says.

Merlin just shakes his head.

"Merlin. How many times have you told me that I have to tell you when something is wrong? Now, you need to do the same. Please, I can't stand to see you upset."

Arthur's voice quivers on the last note as he trails off into silence. He is starting to think that Merlin isn't going to say anything when he finally whispers one word. "Valiant."

"The owner of your bank? What's wrong? What happened?"

"He – he…" Merlin takes a deep, shuddering breath and begins to tell Arthur everything.

Arthur listens mostly silently, though his arms get tighter around Merlin with each word. Finally, when Merlin is done, Arthur pushes him gently back onto the bed. He tries to be calm about it, but he is shaking and his face feels very hot.

"Arthur?" Merlin says in a small voice as Arthur crosses to the other side of the room. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to kill Valiant," Arthur growls.

"No!" Merlin yells, jumping up. "Arthur, didn't you listen? He'll ruin Gwen and Lancelot, too! You can't confront him."

Arthur isn't listening, though. He tries to leave, but Merlin is blocking the door.

"No, Arthur," he says again.

"He – I'm – I'm not letting him touch you ever again!" Arthur yells, almost incoherent with rage.

"He won't," Merlin says. "I – I'll leave. I'll tell Gwen and Lancelot to leave, too. We can get other jobs, in another business. Arthur, attacking Valiant won't solve anything. Then you'll just be in prison or worse."

As much as he wants to rip Valiant limb from limb, Arthur can't help calming down at Merlin's words. He's right, of course. If he wants to bring Valiant down, going and murdering him isn't the way to do it. He needs to do this properly, for Merlin's sake.

"Alright," he says heavily, moving away from the door. "I won't attack him. But we're not letting him chase you away from your job, Merlin. What he's doing is illegal and we'll get him put away for a long time."

"How are we going to do that?" Merlin asks sadly. "It's just my word against his. The police will just think I don't like my boss and I'm making up stories to get rid of him."

He looks so dejected that Arthur automatically pulls Merlin into another hug. A smile unfurls on his face. "What is it?" Merlin asks, watching Arthur's expression. "Do you have a plan?"

"Yes, I do," Arthur says slowly. "I think it's time we had a chat with Leon."

Xxx

"Alright, so you remember the distress code?" Leon checks for the tenth time.

"Sunset," Merlin confirms.

Leon adjusts the wire on Merlin's chest. "Ok, you're good to go. Remember, get out as soon as you have what you need."

"I will," Merlin says, nodding nervously.

"Merlin – are you sure you want to do this?"

Though it was Arthur's plan, now that it's time, he's having second thoughts. What if Valiant gets violent? What if he hurts Merlin?"

"I'm sure," Merlin says firmly. "You were right, Arthur. Valiant needs to be stopped."

Before Arthur can protest anymore, Merlin gives him a quick kiss and steps out of the van, heading for work.

Arthur immediately rounds on Leon. "I'm not sure about this," he says worriedly. "What if something happens?"

"I've got a team waiting to burst in if anything goes wrong," Leon says patiently. "Relax, Arthur, he'll be fine."

Arthur goes back to biting his nails, knowing that they can do nothing but wait.

Leon and his partner, Morgause, have allowed Arthur to stay in the police van with him while the rest of the team sits on strategic points around the bank. Arthur knew that Leon would believe their story and know what to do to bring Valiant down, but he's not so sure he's happy about what needs to happen in order to achieve their goal. If Merlin gets hurt…

It's worse when Merlin goes inside the building and starts talking to his colleagues. Arthur just has to sit and listen, knowing that it may be hours until they get what they need. Leon and Morgause drink coffee and chat amicably while Arthur sits clam-like in the back. It's a great chance to catch up with Leon, but Morgause scares him, and he's too distracted by the Merlin situation to focus on anything much.

It's Tuesday, so they know Valiant will expect Merlin in his office at some point during the day. However, it may only be in the evening, for all they know.

Arthur isn't sure whether to be relieved or terrified when Valiant calls Merlin in during lunch. The microphone records small movement noises as they two of them go to Valiant's office and Valiant closes the door.

"I don't want to do this," Merlin says, just as they scripted.

"Oh?" Valiant sounds unconcerned.

"No," Merlin says. "You can't keep forcing me to keep sleeping with you."

"Really," Valiant drawls. "I was under the impression that you came willingly."

"You know that's only to protect my friends."

"Yes, you are rather devoted to them," Valiant says, chuckling under his breath.

"Look, this really isn't fair to them," Merlin says. "Gwen and Lancelot haven't done anything. I'll keep doing whatever you want me to – you can still threaten to ruin my career, that's more than enough motivation for me, but just leave them out of it."

"I don't think so," Valiant says lazily. "I rather think you would rather leave and have your own life wrecked than stay here. Theirs, however… well, we don't want anything to interrupt our time together, do we?"

Arthur is frozen, barely seeing his surroundings, but when Leon gives Morgause the thumbs up, he knows they have enough to incriminate Valiant. Leon mutters something into his radio and Arthur knows that teams of police officers are about to burst into Valiant's office and arrest him.

"Merlin, get out of there," Leon says into the radio.

Merlin doesn't hesitate, or give warning. Arthur only hears the sound of a door being wrenched open and Valiant's angry voice as the door is slammed in his face. Then all he hears is confused noise and footsteps, people running and shouting.

"Merlin? Are you ok?" Arthur calls at the headphone Leon talked into, but there is no reply.

Arthur's heart leaps into his throat as he stumbles out of the van, ready to storm the bank and drag Merlin out of harm's way.

Just as he reaches the door, though, Merlin comes flying out, straight into his arms.

Arthur rocks back as Merlin hurtles into him, and they cling tightly to each other.

"Did we do it?" Merlin asks breathlessly.

"Yes." A smile breaks out on Arthur's face as he leans down to give Merlin a quick kiss. "Yes, we did. Valiant will never touch you again."

To be continued


	13. P2, Ch6

Merlin rubs Arthur's back absently, feeling the tension knotted there.

"You ok?" he asks.

"Fine, I suppose," Arthur says unenthusiastically.

Merlin doesn't call him out on his lie. By now, they are both so used to telling each other everything that he knows it won't be long before Arthur caves.

It takes less than a minute. "I don't have to go," Arthur says in a rush.

"Yes, you do," Merlin says sternly. "Being a child psychologist is your dream. If you don't do your year of experience, you won't get there."

"But I won't be with you," Arthur whines.

"You won't be living in the same house as me," Merlin corrects. "I can't do anything about the regulations saying that you have to live in the accommodations with the other training graduates, but I can make sure I come to see you every day – more, if they allow it."

Arthur is shaking his head slowly. "I… I can't – Merlin, I don't think you realise how much I need you…"

"You have me, you prat," Merlin says. "I won't be any less yours living three houses down from you."

"But –"

"Arthur, you fought for my career and I intend to do exactly the same for yours," Merlin says. "I'm not letting you give up just because you're nervous. That's the end of it; I am not changing my mind."

Arthur is still biting his lip as he worries. Some new idea seems to come to him, for his eyes sparkle with a strange apprehension as he speaks again.

"I think I have an idea…"

"So long as this idea doesn't involve you giving up everything you've –"

"It doesn't," Arthur says. "It involves… you and me. Together. Forever."

"Of course we'll be together forever," Merlin says soothingly, wondering what Arthur is so jumpy about all of a sudden. "You know –"

"Let's get married."

Merlin's mouth snaps shut. Arthur is looking at him expectantly and Merlin can't help the grin unfolding on his face. "Did you just propose to me?"

"Sorry, I don't have a ring," Arthur says, shrugging. "I could get down on one knee, if you like?"

Merlin doesn't give him a chance to say another word. He throws himself on top of Arthur, covering his lips with his.

"Yes," Merlin whispers between kisses. "Yes, of course, yes."

Gwen almost screams the house down in excitement when Merlin tells her. It's a full five minutes before he cautiously brings the phone back to his ear, only to hear in full planning mode, telling him and Arthur to clear their schedules for the next two months.

When Merlin tries to protest, Gwen cuts him off. "Arthur starts the programme in three months, Merlin!" she says. "If you get married in two, you'll have a month for the honey moon, which means we have just eight short weeks to put together a masterpiece! Oh, there's so much to do. You'll both need to come to cake tastings… and get your suits fitted… and send out the invitations…"

Merlin lets her carry on, his mind disconnecting as he thinks of Arthur.

Gwen has them both running around from dawn to dusk. Despite the fact that she's the one organising the wedding, there seem to be an awful lot of things for Merlin and Arthur do to. So long as they obey Gwen, it's not too bad. Be here at ten to pick fabrics. Then be at the bakery at twelve to taste cakes. The list goes on and on.

Merlin rolls his eyes, but he knows Arthur loves the idea of a big fancy wedding, and Gwen is certainly going to give them that. He smiles and goes along, knowing it will be worth it in the end, if it makes Arthur happy. Even if it does leave them both exhausted and ragged at the end of the day.

It's therefore not completely surprising when Merlin collapses from exhaustion.

He and Arthur are standing behind the counter while Gwen talks at the tailor. Merlin doesn't give any warning, simply crumples while the tailor is explaining the merits of different cuts.

Arthur catches Merlin, lowering him to the ground, shouting his name in alarm. Gwen and the tailor run around the counter, talking about ambulances and calls, but all Arthur sees is Merlin's pale face as he shakes his boyfriend's shoulders, trying desperately to rouse him.

As it turns out, Merlin didn't collapse from exhaustion.

"I don't understand," Arthur says dumbly.

The doctor smiles sympathetically at him. "It's a small tear in his heart," she explains. "It'll need surgery to fix, but I'm afraid it's very risky. The chances of survival are about fifty percent."

Arthur's mind can't seem to process her words. Random phrases jump around in his head. _Chances of survival… afraid it's very risky…_

"You mean he could die?" Arthur didn't realise he was speaking the words until they were out of his mouth, and he immediately wants to take them back, not wanting to know the answer.

"Yes, it's an option," she says.

"Doctor…" Arthur pauses, unable to remember her name.

"Call me Alice," she says kindly.

"Alice… what if we don't do the surgery?" Arthur asks desperately. A fifty percent chance Merlin could die? He feels like he can't breathe just thinking about it.

"The tear could heal by itself, but there's only a thirty percent chance of that. Still, some patients prefer to risk it."

Arthur stares at Merlin's still face.

"I – I can't – his mother should…"

"I hate to have to say this, Arthur, but Merlin's mother isn't answering her phone, and if we don't act soon, it will be too late for surgery. I'll need you to make a decision now."

Arthur fights the urge to run and hide, held only in place by Merlin's limp hand that he has in a death grip. He can't afford to go to pieces now, not if he wants Merlin to live. He glances desperately at his face, wanting only for Merlin to wake up for a minute and tell Arthur what to do.

Merlin remains still, though, and Arthur knows he has to make the decision alone.

"If the surgery is a success…"

"There will be a critical period afterwards of about a week. If he makes it through that, he'll make a full recovery. If not… well, it's a tough week."

Alice is tapping her foot impatiently and Arthur can almost see the colour draining further out of Merlin's face every second.

"Do it," he snaps.

Alice springs into motion at once, calling instructions to nurses and doctors alike. Hands pull Arthur away as they take Merlin's bed. One of the nurses hands him forms they want him to sign, but Arthur is too busy staring at Merlin's bed as it is wheeled away.

"Sir? Sir, excuse me, but you need to sign these…" Arthur stares blankly at the forms. They may as well have been in a different language. He hears someone else come in and urge the nurse out of the room, but his eyes are fixed on the point where Merlin's bed disappeared, so he doesn't see who it is.

"Arthur?" he recognises Gwen's voice as she sits puts her hand gently on his arm. "Come on," she says. "I'll take you to the waiting room – the surgeons will come there to give you updates."

Arthur allows himself to be led numbly away. He doesn't know how long the surgery takes. It could take years, for all he knows. The only moments he remembers clearly are the ones when Alice or one of the other doctors comes out to talk to him.

He has trouble understanding any of their words, but he can understand what is on their faces – or rather, what is not on their faces: the regret and sadness of losing a patient. Every time they come, Arthur knows that Merlin is still alive and he breathes again.

Gwen tries to make him drink something hot and choking – it may be coffee, but he's not sure. People move around like butterflies, moving impossibly fast from one place to another – or maybe Arthur's eyes are just too slow to track them.

Sometimes there are noises which he thinks means someone is trying to talk to him, but he can't be sure. He is sure of Gwen's hand in his, and for that he is grateful.

Some indeterminate amount of time later, Arthur sees Alice coming again to give him an update. His chest clenches. She's out of her surgery outfit. That must mean she's finished – one way or the other.

Arthur forces himself to take even breaths as his head spins. He can't pass out before he knows…

"Merlin is fine," Alice says.

Arthur nearly does pass out – it's a tie between collapsing and leaping at Alice, demanding that she take him to Merlin. He goes for the latter.

She says soothing words as she leads the way to the ICU. Arthur's heart leaps into his throat when he sees that Merlin's eyes are open. Alice is saying something about waiting until he's awake to give the news, but she may as well not exist anymore. Arthur sees only Merlin.

"Merlin," he whispers, taking his hand ever so gently.

"Arthur." Merlin's voice is hoarse and ragged, but a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "I love you," he whispers.

"I love you too," Arthur replies, unable to stop fresh tears from flowing down his cheeks.

"The next week is critical," Alice says warningly. "Merlin needs to get a lot of rest. Twenty percent of patients don't live to see the eighth day after their surgery. You need to do everything we tell you – both of you."

Merlin nods faintly, trying to squeeze Arthur's hand, though he really is too weak to do anything much.

Alice pats Arthur on the back. "I'll leave you two to talk," she says.

They talk. And cry. Well, mostly Arthur cries and silently berates himself for it, wanting to be strong for Merlin, but not knowing how. In the two hours that Alice is gone, they talk about many things, some important, others not. When Alice comes back, they are ready for her.

"We want to get married now," Arthur says, before she can start checking Merlin's blood pressure.

"Excuse me?"

"We want to get married, now," Merlin says. "We don't know if I'll live the next week, and if I don't, we want to be married when… when the time comes."

Arthur bites his lip. He's not going to think about that time and whether or not it will come.

"I'm sorry, but you're just too weak –"

"We can do it here," Arthur says when Merlin's head flops back onto the pillow. "We can get a pastor here now and Merlin can sign in bed. Please…"

Alice purses her lips, weighing the two pleading expressions before her.

"I'll make some calls," she relents.

The pastor is a kindly old man with white hair and a warm smile. He totters into the ICU just two hours after Arthur and Merlin have made their request. Merlin is dozing and Arthur is loath to wake him, but he did promise.

"Merlin, it's time," he whispers, and Merlin's eyes flutter open.

"Are you ready to start?" the pastor asks kindly.

"Yes," they say in unison, identical smiles spreading across the two men's faces.

The ceremony – if you can call it that – is short and to the point, in light of Merlin's weakened condition. The words are simple, but that doesn't matter. Everything, Arthur reflects, is in Merlin's eyes. No words could ever capture the love he sees there.

"Do you, Arthur Pendragon, take Merlin Emrys to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and honour him in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

"I do."

"Do you, Merlin Emrys, take Arthur Pendragon to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and honour him in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

"I do." Merlin's voice is barely above a whisper, but no two words have ever seemed so loud to Arthur.

"Then by the power vested in me, I pronounce you husbands. You may kiss."

The pastor smiles warmly at them as Arthur leans down to gently peck Merlin's lips, terrified of hurting him.

He needn't have worried. Merlin positively glows with joy and in that moment, all fear is washed from Arthur's mind and he feels only love and hope.

After he breaks away, Merlin lies back on his pillows, his eyes drooping. "I'm sorry you didn't get your perfect big wedding," he says faintly.

"I did," Arthur says honestly. "I just did, and it was perfect."

To be continued


	14. P2, Ch7

"Are you sure?" Arthur asks anxiously.

Merlin rolls his eyes. "Yes, Arthur," he says. "We've already postponed our honeymoon for three months and gotten you into the year's second round of psych training so that we have this time. Alice cleared me for all physical activity. What more do you want?"

Arthur still looks reluctant. "I don't want to hurt you."

Merlin gives up on verbal persuasion and advances on Arthur. Arthur opens his mouth to protest, but then Merlin's lips are covering his and Arthur finds that he doesn't want to protest anymore. His hands trail up Merlin's back and twist in the hair at the base of his neck.

"Merlin," Arthur groans.

"I'm your husband, Arthur, and you will do as I say. And right now, I say I want sex. It's been three months since the surgery, I'm fine, and now I'm horny. No more arguments."

Merlin fastens his lips on Arthur's again before the latter can even think of arguing. Merlin pushes Arthur so that he is walking backwards until his back hits the wall. His hands scud down Merlin's sides and push up his shirt, his fingers brushing over nipples.

Merlin hums appreciatively and presses himself closer to Arthur, moving steadily downwards as he ravishes kisses onto Arthur's chest.

It's not long before Arthur gives in with a groan and allows Merlin to pull their clothes off. Some buttons are lost, but Merlin thinks it's worth the sacrifice. "Bed," Arthur mumbles against Merlin's lips.

"Too far," Merlin replies. He flips Arthur around so that he is pressed up against the wall. "Stop that," he chides as Arthur starts moving against the wall, desperate for some pressure against his aching erection. Arthur whines but does as Merlin asks.

Merlin kneels down behind Arthur, gently pulling his cheeks apart. Arthur stops trying to push against the wall and starts trying to push against Merlin. Merlin chuckles as he braces his hands against Arthur's back, holding him still.

Slowly, he tortures Arthur as he licks gently, teasingly closer towards his hole. "Merlin…" Arthur whines and Merlin laughs, finally giving in and letting his tongue brush against Arthur's tight hole. Arthur gasps and Merlin can feel his own erection throbbing, but he ignores it, focusing only on drawing those delicious sounds from Arthur.

As his tongue worms its way inside Arthur, Arthur's whole body shudders with pleasure and his knees shake slightly. Merlin presses hard against his lower back, bracing him against the wall. This only makes Arthur moan louder. All the while, Merlin's tongue does evil, evil things inside Arthur.

He jerks back as Merlin withdraws, searching the pockets of his discarded pants for lube. Merlin kneels up again, allowing his erection to brush against Arthur's calves, making his head spin with want. He quickly slicks two fingers and pushes them into Arthur.

Merlin smiles, concentrating as he twists his fingers, searching for the place… he knows he's found it when Arthur's knees nearly buckle and he shouts Merlin's name so loudly Merlin won't be surprised if they heard it down at reception.

"Come on," Merlin says, tugging at Arthur's legs. Arthur realises when Merlin wants and quickly complies, going down on all fours on the thick carpet. Merlin slides his fingers back inside Arthur and adds a third. Arthur presses backwards, keening when Merlin's fingers move around inside him, reducing him to a wailing wreck.

As Merlin adds a fourth finger, Arthur can feel Merlin's cold wedding ring inside him. This snaps whatever fragile self-control he had and he moves one hand to grip his weeping erection. Merlin takes his fingers out and quickly positions himself, wanting to come when Arthur does.

Arthur gasps as Merlin thrusts inside him, slow at first, then faster. Merlin closes his eyes, trying to make it last, but he's seconds away at best. His fingers dig into Arthur's waist as he pulls him closer with each thrust. Arthur is panting hoarsely and muttering Merlin's name as he pumps his own erection.

Merlin feels the warmth coiling in his stomach and his fingers dig into Arthur as he cries out, black blossoming in front of his eyes as he comes harder than he ever has in his life. Wave upon wave of pleasure assault him as Merlin's yell goes on and on, and he pumps every last drop out of his orgasm.

He collapses heavily on Arthur, who gives one final pump before he is coming too, tensing around Merlin and pushing back on his wilting erection.

Finally, the two of them fall down in a sweaty heap, panting. Merlin thinks he drifts off for a while, for when he is next aware, Arthur has cleaned most of the come off the carpet.

"See?" Merlin mumbles. "It was fine."

"Well, if it was _just_ fine…" Arthur trails off teasingly, surveying Merlin, still lying bonelessly on the floor. Merlin laughs as he rolls over and reaches for Arthur to help him up.

"The staff probably won't be pleased with us by the time our stay is over," he says, surveying their room guiltily. There are still traces of white on the carpet, and they've knocked one of the elegant paintings off the wall.

"The hotel advertises itself as an ideal place for honeymoons," Arthur points out. "I can't imagine we're the first to… well, I'm sure they'll understand."

Merlin chuckles and grabs a pamphlet from the table. "There's twenty four hour room service – and those guided tours. Look, they have a list of all the things we could see. There's a tour leaving in an hour…"

Merlin trails off as he sees Arthur watching him.

"We're not going to end up seeing any of the sights, are we?" he asks, trying to suppress the smile tugging at his lips.

"Well, now that I know you're not going to collapse the second I touch you, I'm rather reluctant to let you out of the room…"

Merlin throws the pamphlet over his shoulder, his eyes only for Arthur.

Xxx

Merlin hovers anxiously outside the door, waiting for the introductory lecture to finish. A few other people are milling around, presumably also waiting to help their friends and family move into what will be their home for the next year.

Arthur comes out in the middle of the group, his eyes searching for Merlin. Merlin waves and Arthur makes a beeline for him. Despite the tense set of Arthur's shoulders, Merlin is pleased to see him talking friendlily to a pretty girl with dark hair next to him.

"Hey," Arthur says, taking Merlin's hand and giving him a peck on the cheek. "This is Mithian."

Merlin shakes hands with the girl. "I'm Merlin," he says.

"Nice to meet you, Merlin," she says.

"Are you here alone?" he asks.

"My brother came here last year," she says. "He's just in the parking lot trying to find a trolley for my bags, then he'll help me set up."

She glances between Merlin and Arthur, seeing the way Arthur hovers at Merlin's side, how Merlin keeps a reassuring hand on his back.

"Come on, I'll show you something," she says, grabbing Arthur's hand and pulling him and Merlin along. "What's your room number?" Mithian asks.

"Eleven B."

"Here you are," she says, striding into Arthur's room, going straight to the window. "Look here," she says. "There's a drainpipe going all down the side of the building – it's pretty sturdy, too." She turns to grin at them. "My brother's girlfriend told me." Mithian moves her gaze to Merlin, eyeing him speculatively.

"You look light enough to make the climb. I hope you're not afraid of heights." She grins. "I'll leave you two to get settled in."

Mithian winks at them before leaving and closing the door behind her. Merlin can't help going over to inspect the drain pipe and glances at Arthur.

"They won't be happy if we're caught…"

"I don't care," Arthur says. "Just one night a week?"

"One night a week," Merlin agrees.

Xxx

Merlin and Arthur talk for hours every night on the phone, except for the one night when Merlin risks sneaking into Arthur's room. Despite Arthur's brave smile, Merlin is worried about him.

Though he knows logically that nothing has really changed, Arthur's nightmares have gotten worse again since not sleeping with Merlin, and on the one night when Merlin does stay, he wakes to find Arthur's limbs clenched, clam-like around him. They had been starting to loosen over the years, but it's just like it was in high school.

"Arthur? Are you coping ok?" Merlin asks quietly, two months into the programme. They're having lunch at a local café in Arthur's free hour.

"I – I just miss you," Arthur says. "It's – well, we didn't expect it to be easy."

Merlin nods. "You know… I wasn't going to let you give up just because you were scared, but if this really isn't working for you, Arthur, you could back out. I mean, are you tempted at all to…?"

"To find another Nimueh?"

Merlin cringes.

"Sometimes," Arthur says. "But I can call Owain – or you. Or I can talk to Mithian; she's been great. She's lived with her family all her life, so this has been strange for her as well."

"So you think you'll be ok? Because if you think you won't be…"

"It'll be fine, Merlin," Arthur says bravely, and Merlin believes him. Arthur wouldn't lie… but Merlin can see that he's struggling. To tell the truth, Merlin is struggling, too. After so long of living with Arthur, of never going more than a few hours without seeing him… well, he doesn't know exactly what withdrawal feels like, but he imagines it's something similar to his current situation.

From then on, Merlin takes to sneaking into Arthur's room twice a week.

While the time takes its strain on both of them, it forces them both to grow, too. Arthur learns to do fun things and relax when Merlin isn't around, and Merlin has to learn not to worry about Arthur constantly when he's not in his line of sight. Merlin has Arthur and Mithian around for supper whenever the programme will allow, and he soon finds he likes Arthur's friend.

All in all, by the time Arthur is six months through the programme, both he and Merlin are feeling a lot better about the whole thing. It's half way done, and they've both survived so far. It won't be that long until they are together again.

Though their official anniversary will only be after Arthur finishes his training, Merlin thinks that it would be nice to get out and celebrate for a bit, and the anniversary of their first date is coming up. So he sneakily checks Arthur's schedule and books a night at the local theme park.

"Merlin, where are we going?"

"It's a surprise," Merlin says, keeping his hands firmly over Arthur's eyes. Arthur frowns as Merlin uses one hand to help him manoeuvre into the leather seat and starts strapping him in.

"Merlin…" Arthur says, sounding a mite anxious now.

"It's a surprise," Merlin repeats, struggling to do up his own straps one handed. "Promise me you won't open your eyes until I tell you."

"Alright," Arthur says reluctantly, and Merlin removes his hand.

He grabs Arthur's hand as the roller coaster slowly starts moving up to its apex. "It's six years today since our first date," Merlin says quietly.

"I remember," Arthur replies, a beatific smile lighting his face.

"I love you," Merlin whispers, watching as the coaster reaches the peak, about to tip over the edge. "Open your eyes."

Arthur's eyes open, but he doesn't look around. His eyes are only for Merlin. "I love you," he says. Merlin's reply is lost as the roller coaster streaks off, the wind whipping in his face. Beside him, he can hear Arthur laughing. Merlin squeezes his hand tightly, intent only on never letting go.

To be continued

That's the end of part two! Part three (the final part) will be coming soon. Please leave me a review? :)


	15. P3, Ch1

Arthur bounds out of the building, grinning, clutching a piece of paper. "Got it!" he says happily.

"What, that's it? No fanfare, no trumpets?" Merlin asks, looking distinctly unimpressed.

"Nope," Arthur says, supremely unconcerned. "Come on, I can't wait to get home."

Merlin hardly disagrees, so he hops into the passenger seat without protest. "I can't believe we made it," he says slowly as Arthur pulls out of the parking lot.

"It was a long year," Arthur agrees. "It was worth it, though – you were so right! I can't wait to get started setting up my practice…" Merlin watches him fondly as Arthur prattles on about his plans – a habit he picked up from Merlin.

"Well, your room at home is all set up," Merlin says. "I didn't buy furniture and stuff, though – I thought you'd want to be part of that."

"Can we go today?"

Merlin is really quite tired, but Arthur is glowing with enthusiasm. "I suppose the shops won't be closed yet," he says.

Two hours later, Merlin and Arthur are in Arthur's preferred furniture shop, Arthur deep in discussion with the salesman about the benefits of two types of couch. Merlin tries to pay attention, but he's distracted by a small family of three – two parents and a young boy, probably about seven years old.

The boy is whining, looking like it's been too long since his last nap. His mother hushes him impatiently before turning back to the salesman they are talking to. The boy's face screws up and starts to cry.

Merlin watches as his mother throws him an angry glance, but before she can do anything, his father grabs the child by the hand. "I'll just take him outside," he says, leaving his wife to the furniture.

Merlin turns back to Arthur, only to find that Arthur has followed his gaze and is still staring at the father and son.

"Arthur, what are you doing?" Merlin hisses, as Arthur breaks off his conversation and follows.

"Finish this off, won't you?" Arthur says vaguely, gesturing to the salesman, who is waiting politely for the conversation to turn back to couches.

Merlin huffs but does as Arthur asks, trying to ask intelligent questions until he gets back.

Unfortunately, Arthur doesn't get back – Merlin goes to him, along with half of the shop. There is shouting near the entrance and a scuffling sound. The shop's manager is already hastening to the scene, Merlin hot on her heels.

He arrives just in time to see Arthur throw a punch at the boy's father.

"Arthur!" he yells. He runs forward and grabs Arthur, dragging him back. Arthur is far too strong for Merlin, but their salesman joins in, pulling Arthur away. The little boy is standing a few feet back, looking scared and bewildered.

Merlin leaves the salesman to get Arthur away and crouches down in front of him. "Hey, are you alright?" he asks.

The boy nods. He's pale and has dark brown hair with blue eyes. He doesn't speak.

"I'm sorry about that," Merlin says. He glances over his shoulder, to see the boy's father getting up. "Go to your daddy, now," he says. As he's getting up, Merlin spots some sort of business card that must have dropped out of the man's jacket when Arthur hit him. Merlin picks it up and pockets it, intending to see who it is that Arthur hit, in order to decide whether or not they need to hire a lawyer.

Arthur is in a state when Merlin gets back. He's not doing anything outwardly disruptive, but Merlin can tell from his face.

"Thanks so much for your help," he says brightly to the salesman. "We'll be sure to come back soon."

The salesman looks as if that moment can wait forever, as far as he is concerned.

Merlin ignores him and grabs Arthur's arm, pulling him from the store. Merlin quickly bundles him into the car and starts driving before speaking.

"What happened, Arthur?" he asks gently. He knows something must have happened, because Arthur wouldn't just attack random people for no reason.

"He hit him," Arthur says, his voice faraway, as though he's not really present. "I followed him and his son. The son was crying – he wanted to go home. His father glanced around to see if anyone was near; I stepped behind a bed, so he didn't see me. I thought something was off, but I never realised, or I would have stopped him…

"He hit the boy in the stomach – where no one will see the mark. The boy didn't do anything, just stared at him, as though he wasn't surprised."

"Arthur…"

"This is the kind of thing I'm trying to stop, Merlin," he says, turning an anguished gaze on Merlin. "I tried to protect him, but then people were dragging me away – rightly, that was the wrong way to handle it… but now I don't even know who they are, and I have no way to help that child. If I could see him, get evidence of the abuse, he could be removed from that family…"

Merlin hesitates only for a moment. He's not sure that getting into a custody fight is the best way for Arthur to start his new career, but he'll be damned if he lets Arthur suffer and when he knows how to help. He reaches inside his pocket for the card.

"Here," he says, handing it to Arthur, keeping his eyes on the road.

Arthur reads it and looks incredulously at Merlin. "Where did you get this?"

"It fell on the floor…"

Arthur reads off the card. "His name is Valiant Anguis and he's the head of a security company. There's a phone number and an email address…"

Merlin glances worriedly at him. "Arthur, what are you planning to do?"

Arthur seems to come back to himself, his eyes going back into focus. "Don't worry, I'll do this the right way. I'll go through all the official channels and whatnot."

"I probably know the answer to this, but should you really be doing this when you're supposed to be opening your new practice? I mean, this'll mean legal stuff, maybe police, some very angry parents…"

"I can't just leave him, Merlin," Arthur says.

"I know," Merlin sighs in defeat. "I just don't want you taking on too much."

They have arrived home by now and Arthur leans over to kiss Merlin before getting out of the car. "I won't," he promises.

Xxx

It soon becomes apparent that Arthur doesn't know the definition of too much. Since he's just starting, he doesn't have very many patients yet, but Merlin would never have guessed as much if he didn't already know.

They soon have Arthur's room furnished and decorated – Merlin ends up taking care of that, as Arthur is too distracted. Arthur spends all day there, sending emails and making phone calls when he's not with patients. When he comes to bed, he's tense and exhausted.

"Arthur, I'm worried about you," Merlin says one evening in bed.

"I'll be ok," he says heavily. "I've been talking to teachers at Mordred's school, and they've noticed that he's become very withdrawn. His teacher is going to recommend to his parents that he starts therapy. I'm not convinced that they'll really care if he's unhappy, but his marks are dropping, and from what I gather, Valiant won't like that at all."

"But if he's being abused, surely you can just get him removed from his parents' custody?"

Arthur shakes his head grimly. "It's not that simple. The problem clearly isn't as bad as it could be yet – when I first made the accusation, the police checked Mordred, but could find no mark on him. Either Valiant isn't hitting hard enough to leave a mark, or he's just not doing it often enough for them to catch him."

Arthur's fist clenches as he speaks. "They're just going to leave it until it gets worse – if it even does get physically worse. Emotional abuse leaves no mark. I need to get him to talk to me, to tell me what his father's doing. That's the only way I'll get him removed from that house…"

Merlin rubs his back, unsure what to say. "Well, I'm sure his father will agree to let him see you – as you said, if Valiant doesn't want Mordred's marks dropping, he'll do something about it…"

Arthur grimaces. "We can't be sure, though…"

Merlin just rubs his back some more, offering his silent support.

It is two weeks later – two very long weeks – that Arthur emerges out of his little room before the sun sets. Even more unusual, he emerges with a bright smile on his face.

"I just got an email," he says happily, before Merlin can ask. "Valiant wants Mordred to see me. I'm not sure how the teachers persuaded him, but he's made an appointment for Tuesday!"

"That's great!" Merlin says, giving Arthur a spontaneous hug. "You did it."

"Well, it's a start," Arthur says, his face falling. "I still need to get him out of there."

"But it's a start," Merlin says firmly. "How are your other patients?"

"Good." Arthur grins. "It's still quite early, but I think I'm helping them."

"That's great." Merlin knows that Arthur can't disclose details, so he doesn't ask anything else. Arthur busies himself listening to their messages while Merlin flips through a magazine. He doesn't hear Arthur moving until his hands are on Merlin's shoulders.

"Merlin, did you know you missed a check-up with Alice?"

Merlin's eyes close for a moment. "I knew I forgot something!" He gets up and goes to the phone, and presses the message button. "I hope she wasn't mad," he mutters.

Arthur watches him inscrutably as Merlin listens to the message himself. She doesn't sound mad – just asks him to reschedule.

"It's too late to call now," Merlin says, glancing at the clock. "I'll make another appointment tomorrow…"

Arthur is still staring at Merlin with a very stern expression on his face.

"What? I'll call tomorrow, Arthur, it's no big deal."

"You can't miss your check-ups, Merlin," he says in a grave voice.

"I won't – I just forgot, it's no big deal."

"You could still have problems with your heart, even after the surgery."

"Yes, I know, and as I said, I will –"

But Arthur isn't listening. He's sunk down onto the couch, his head in his hands. "This is my fault," he mutters.

"What? Arthur, what are you talking about?"

"You've been worried about me and forgetting to take care of yourself!"

"Oh for the love of – Arthur, talk about overreactions! I forgot! I'm hardly the most organised person around, in case you haven't noticed."

Arthur seems to force his face to smooth out and ignore the false note in Merlin's voice. Of course Merlin was worried about Arthur, but really, it was just one mistake, and he's not going to let Arthur beat himself up about it.

"Of course," Arthur says smoothly. "I'm sorry, you're right. Come on, let's order pizzas."

Merlin eyes Arthur suspiciously, but Arthur grabs the pizza menu, seeming perfectly normal again. He is; his decision is made, and he proceeds to have a good night with Merlin, watching movies and eating pizzas, culminating in some rather excellent sex on the dining room floor.

However, from then on, Arthur closes off just a tiny bit of himself. It's not that he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to Merlin – he got over that years ago. No, he's just afraid that Merlin will worry too much about him if Arthur appears too stressed. Merlin needs to take care of himself, too, not just spend all of his time trying to take care of Arthur.

Merlin's surgery shook Arthur more than he's willing to admit, and as far as he's concerned, Merlin is now fragile and needs to be treated with extreme care. Arthur doesn't know what he'd do if anything… well, he just needs to make sure Merlin is ok.

Nothing much changes; they still love each other just as much, still talk to each other about almost everything. Arthur just holds back a small part of the things that are worrying him, and Merlin seems to relax, sure that Arthur is coping fine. Arthur knows that it's not ideal, not showing Merlin everything, but the system works.

If it works, that's ok, right? What could possibly go wrong?

To be continued


	16. P3, Ch2

"How's Mordred doing?" Merlin asks.

Arthur shrugs. "It's difficult to tell. He's so closed off – worse than I was. I'm lucky to get more than a few sentences out of him. I think we're making progress, though…"

Merlin watches Arthur bite his lip worriedly. Something is bothering Arthur, and Merlin can't work out what. He can't figure out for the life of him why Arthur won't just talk to him. Merlin knows that Arthur hasn't had difficulty confiding in him in years.

"Shouldn't you be leaving?" Arthur asks.

"What?"

"Merlin, the company award ceremony, remember!"

"I can stay with you," Merlin says hesitantly. Arthur looks pale and sick, and Merlin doesn't want to leave him alone.

"Not a chance, Merlin. I'd bet my entire practice that you'll get that employee of the year award. No way are you missing that."

Merlin can't help grinning. "Do you really think so?"

"I know so," Arthur says. "Now get going! And in your acceptance speech, tell them that next year, they need to allow family and friends to come for the awards."

"I will. Love you," Merlin says, blowing Arthur a kiss as he grabs his jacket.

As soon as he is gone, Arthur slumps back into his chair, staring at the computer screen in front of him. The words dance before his eyes, but even as they blur, the meaning is burned into his mind.

He doesn't know how Valiant found out he's gay, but he's demanding that Arthur stop seeing Mordred, apparently horrified that his son has already spent hours in Arthur's presence. He seems to think that Arthur might 'turn Mordred gay'.

Arthur pushes himself away from the desk, getting up so abruptly that his head spins. He grimaces as he grabs the chair for support, realising what the problem is. He's always known that he finds it difficult to eat when he's stressed, but it hasn't been a problem since he met Merlin, as Merlin never allowed him to be stressed for long before talking him down.

Arthur walks resolutely to the fridge and opens it, but nothing inside looks remotely appetising. All he can think of is Mordred, and what his father will do to him if he stops seeing Arthur. He needs to find a way to force Valiant to leave Mordred in his care, some way to make him see… make him stop… Arthur is so dizzy…

Xxx

"Arthur! Arthur, I got it!" Merlin calls happily, waltzing into their lounge waving around the best employee of the year certificate. "Arthur?" Merlin looks around, expecting Arthur to appear any moment and congratulate him.

Maybe he's in his room, setting up for a patient or something… Merlin goes to check, but before he can get there, something in the kitchen catches his eye.

"Arthur!"

Arthur is lying on the floor in front of the open fridge, apparently unconscious. Panic flaring in his chest, Merlin throws himself down beside his husband, shaking him frantically. "Arthur, wake up, wake up," he mumbles.

Arthur's eyes flutter.

"Arthur?" Merlin gasps. "Are you ok?"

Arthur looks around dazedly as Merlin helps him sit up. "I think so."

"What happened, Arthur? Where does it hurt? No, never mind, I'll call an ambulance, they'll work out what's wrong…"

"No, Merlin," Arthur says in a stronger voice. "I'm fine, really, I was just dizzy for a moment." Arthur pushes himself to his feet and leans back against the fridge.

"What happened?" Merlin asks again, his eyes raking Arthur's body, trying to find some sign of injury.

"Nothing, I just fell, must have hit my head."

"Don't lie to me, Arthur, don't you dare…"

"I'm fine," Arthur says, making to brush past Merlin.

The next thing he knows, he is being slammed back against the fridge, his head hitting the cold metal. Merlin is shouting at him, his voice echoing oddly. "Tell me, Arthur! You have to tell me what's wrong, you can't shut me out!"

Arthur blinks in surprise when he sees tears in Merlin's eyes. "Merlin…"

"You can't – Arthur, you have to talk to me," Merlin begs. "I can see you've been stressed, but I don't know why you won't talk to me. Please, if I've done something wrong, just tell me."

Merlin's wide, wet eyes gaze imploringly into Arthur's, and Arthur's resolve wavers.

"I don't want to upset you," he mumbles.

"Oh, yeah, because right now I'm not upset at all," Merlin snipes, wiping his tears away, even as more replace them.

Arthur is so torn and so tired, he doesn't know what do to. Without him giving them permission to, his knees bend and he slides down to the floor. Merlin follows him, holding both of Arthur's hands. "Please," he whispers.

Arthur closes his eyes. "I can't lose you, Merlin," he says, forcing the words out.

"You're not going to lose me, you prat. Nothing you can say would ever make me leave you."

"That's not what I'm worried about. Merlin, when you – with the surgery… you were stressed and you just collapsed. You could have _died_, Merlin. I can't – I won't let that happen again. I can't lose you."

"Arthur, you can't treat me like I'm made of glass for the rest of my life," Merlin says gently, his eyes softening. "I'm sorry I scared you, truly. But we're stronger as a team, you know that. You can't just shut me out."

"But –"

"No buts," Merlin says firmly. "You are going to tell me what's wrong."

When Arthur meets Merlin's gaze, he knows he's lost the battle. It's been hell not telling Merlin about this whole thing with Mordred, all to avoid upsetting Merlin, and it backfired anyway. Arthur leans his head back against the fridge and tells him everything.

"That bastard!"

"Merlin –"

"No, he can't do that! Mordred is your patient, he can't take him away!"

"Valiant is his father, Merlin. I'm not sure there's anything he can do…"

"Then we'll try talking to his mother," Merlin says firmly. "We'll think of a solution, Arthur, don't worry."

Arthur just closes his eyes, too tired to care right now.

"Right," Merlin says firmly, getting up and nudging Arthur out of the way. He grabs a bunch of grapes from the fridge and shoves them into Arthur's hand. "You aren't going to win this if you're too weak to stand up," he points out.

Arthur turns his head away, sickened by the thought of food. Merlin isn't giving up that easily, though. One by one, he coaxes the grapes into Arthur's mouth until the whole bunch is gone. Feeling more tired than he has in years, Arthur simply curls up on the floor in Merlin's arms and goes to sleep.

When he wakes, he's in his bed with Merlin snuggled up behind him. Arthur sees his own hands clenching at Merlin's, keeping them wrapped firmly around him even in sleep. He turns over carefully, trying not to wake Merlin.

Merlin's sleeping face is lined with worry and Arthur feels a surge of remorse. He was only trying to help, but he just ended up making everything worse. His arms creep around Merlin's back and cling onto him tightly. Still fighting the effects of exhaustion, Arthur allows himself to drift off again.

Xxx

"The sparrow has left the nest," Merlin whispers.

Arthur rolls his eyes. "Really, Merlin, if you wanted to have a go at playing spies, you should have just said something."

"Fine, fine, Valiant has left for work, happy now?" Merlin grumbles, but Arthur can hear the smile in his voice.

"I'll be happy when we've convinced Sophia that he son should keep seeing me," he says. Arthur puts the walkie-talkie in his pocket and steps out of the bush he was hiding in. He glances over his shoulder, hoping Merlin doesn't forget his part. The last thing he needs is Valiant to double back for something and catch Arthur talking to his wife.

Arthur takes a deep breath and rings the bell. It is only a few moments before Sophia opens the door. "Can I help you?" she asks blankly.

"Hello, I'm Arthur, Mordred's therapist," Arthur says, holding out his hand. She doesn't shake it.

"His ex-therapist," she says coldly.

"Mrs Anguis, I came to speak to you because of that," he says, his heart beating fast. "I come for Mordred's sake," he presses, when she looks doubtful.

"Fine, come in, then," she snaps, opening the door and leading Arthur to a spotless living room.

"What is it you wish to tell me?" she asks, sitting down opposite Arthur.

"Mrs Anguis, I'm sure you know that Mordred was sent to me for a reason. His teachers believe that he needs help. You and your husband have seen his performance in class dropping, which is why you agreed in the first place."

"We'll find someone else," she sniffs haughtily.

"I'm sorry, but that's just selfish," Arthur says bluntly. "You're thinking of your husband and his prejudices, not of your son. I've been seeing him for two months now. I'm sure you know that Mordred doesn't connect with people easily, but I'm making progress with him.

"Not only will be stopping sessions with me not help him, it will be detrimental. It'll just shake his trust even more, having to build up a relationship with someone else. I can help your son, but not if you insist on damaging him for no reason other than to appease his father. You need to trust me," Arthur says.

He watches her with bated breath. Now he'll see just how much her indifference to her son affects her. He's never gotten the impression that she particularly cares about Mordred, and she clearly isn't doing anything to stop Valiant from hitting him, but Arthur thinks that if he just makes it more trouble than it's worth ending sessions, she may give in.

"We don't want him to flunk school," she muses. "It would be a big stain on the family name…"

Arthur bites his tongue as he has flashbacks of the years he spent living with his father. That's exactly the kind of thing Uther would say.

"Fine, I'll talk to Valiant," she says. "You may continue to see Mordred."

"Thank you," Arthur says sincerely. "I assure you, you won't regret it."

He hopes the lie doesn't show on his face, as he's sure that she will regret it when he has Mordred taken from her abusive household, even if only because of the shame it will bring upon them.

Merlin is waiting by the car, and Arthur is impressed to see that he has his eyes peeled, waiting for Valiant to return.

"Merlin, it's ok," Arthur says, relief saturating his voice. "She said yes, Mordred is going to keep seeing me."

Merlin opens his mouth, but before he can get a word out, Arthur is kissing him, pushing him against the car as he wraps his arms securely around Merlin.

"Arthur," Merlin finally says, panting as he breaks away. "Come on, here is not the place for this – can you imagine if Valiant came back now?"

Arthur reluctantly concedes the point and allows Merlin to drive them home as he chatters the whole way about the conversation with Sophia. When they get home, Arthur points Merlin to the couch.

"What?" Merlin asks blankly as Arthur starts getting pots and things out in the kitchen.

"We never really celebrated you getting employee of the year," Arthur points out. "You were so busy looking after me… well, it's time we did something to honour it. I'm making you dinner."

Merlin closes his eyes briefly, fighting a smile. "Arthur, if you really want to do something nice for me, let me help you with dinner."

Arthur bursts out laughing. "Hey, I haven't broken anything in ages!"

"What about that fire in the microwave?"

"That wasn't my fault! How was I supposed to know you weren't supposed to put metal in it?"

Merlin raises his eyebrows. "The short circuited toaster?"

"It's not my fault the sink was wet, and there wasn't space on the counter…"

"Only you could manage to cause chaos making toast, Arthur," Merlin says. "Now, in the interests of our kitchen, I'm helping."

Arthur can't really bring himself to argue; after all, they have just replaced the stove after that last incident, and it would be a shame to spend Merlin's celebratory dinner in a house filled with smoke or the smell of burned appliances…

Merlin takes over the appliances and doesn't let Arthur do anything more challenging than taking the butter out of the fridge. Arthur laughs at himself and kisses Merlin's ear on the way past. "I love you," he whispers.

"Microwave killer," Merlin replies. "But I love you, too."

To be continued


	17. P3, Ch3

"So, Mordred, how are you today?" Arthur asks brightly.

Mordred meets his eyes for a second before returning his bright blue gaze to the table. Arthur sits patiently. Mordred's near constant silence has a spooky quality, but Arthur is well used to that by now. After a few minutes, it doesn't seem like Mordred is going to answer, so Arthur tries again.

"Last time you told me that your parents took you to the zoo – that must have been a nice treat for you. Why don't you tell me more about it? You didn't want to say much last week."

Mordred's gaze flickers up to Arthur once more before he turns to Arthur's shelf of books.

"Did you enjoy the zoo?" Arthur prompts.

Mordred looks at him again before shaking his head.

Arthur feels encouraged. Getting a reaction out of Mordred this early in the session is always a good sign. "Why not?" he asks.

Mordred is silent for almost a minute before answering, though this is hardly unusual; Arthur is lucky he's answering at all. "They left her," he says.

Arthur quickly goes over the very few things that Mordred has told him, trying to work out what he means. Mordred's gaze is wandering, and Arthur quickly tries to grab his attention before Mordred goes to that quiet place from where he will not return for the rest of the session.

"Your parents left her?"

Mordred just nods.

"And that bothered you?" Arthur asks, still trying to figure out who 'she' is.

Mordred nods again.

"Why?"

Mordred fixes Arthur with a piercing gaze, as though judging his sole. "She was crying," he says. "I think she was hungry. But they were annoyed. They said we should get out of the house until she shut up. We went to the zoo…"

Arthur struggles to keep a blank face as he listens to one of the longest speeches Mordred has ever given him. "Mordred, when you say she – do you mean you have a sister?"

Mordred doesn't look at Arthur as he nods.

Arthur bites his tongue, struggling to remain impartial. He's been seeing Mordred for six months, and there was never any hint that he had siblings. The thought of another child – probably even younger than Mordred, by the sound of it – being abused makes his blood boil, and he is forced to take a few subtle deep breaths.

"What's her name?" he asks, once he's sure he has control.

He doesn't get an answer.

"Mordred? Can you tell me your sister's name? Or how old she is?"

"Freya," he says, his voice sounding just blank as it usually does, but there is a flicker of something on his face, more emotion than Arthur has ever seen him show before.

Mordred leans back, his shoulders hunching as he closes off. Arthur often sees him do this; he seldom gets two words out of Mordred after he's pulled inwards like this.

"Can you draw me a picture?" he tries. He gestures to the paper and pencils on the table between them.

Mordred considers the paper and coloured pencils before choosing a black one. His drawing is quite good for his age. Arthur watches as Mordred depicts his house. There are four bedrooms upstairs, and the lounge and kitchen are on the ground floor.

He draws a cradle with a small child in it in one of the rooms, while he puts himself in the lounge with his parents. In the drawing, he is sitting in a similar position to the one he is in now – hunched in on himself, his eyes down. His father looks turned towards him, but not touching him – _yet,_ Arthur thinks grimly.

"Why is Freya alone upstairs?" he asks.

"I go down," Mordred says, pointing at himself, and then at his parents. Arthur watches Mordred's body language carefully. He looks almost… protective. It's a side to him Arthur hasn't seen before. He looks at Freya, alone, away from Valiant…

"Mordred, do you go down to keep your parents away from Freya?" he asks, comprehension filling him. "Is it so that they don't go near her?"

Mordred nods absently, still looking at the picture.

Arthur knows he shouldn't, but he can't resist. "Mordred, does your father hit you? Or Freya – does he hurt her?"

Of course, Arthur knew it was coming. Mordred pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them. He puts his chin on his knees and looks determinedly at the table.

Arthur sighs. Now he won't get another word out of Mordred for the rest of the session. It's always the same when he asks about Valiant's abuse. He's tried asking in as many different ways as possible, but Mordred always closes off. Of course, Arthur knows the answer to the question, but if Mordred would just admit it, maybe he could try to get him and Freya out of their parents' custody.

Arthur always keeps his eyes peeled for any sign of damage to Mordred, but he already knows that Valiant won't hit him where the mark will be visible, and Arthur isn't allowed to touch him, so there's no way he can check himself.

Arthur looks at Mordred's blank face and has to fight not to say what he wants to say. _Mordred, if he's hurting you, you can tell me. I can help you. You don't need to be afraid of him._

The last time he'd said that, Mordred was silent for a solid three weeks, and Arthur has no desire to have such a setback again.

"Tell me about your sister," he offers hopefully. "What's she like?"

He may as well not have spoken. Mordred remains clam-like in his chair, and Arthur has to suppress a sigh. He tries a couple more times to engage Mordred, but by the time their session is over, Mordred still hasn't said a word. Arthur gets up to let him out, loath to release him back to his parents, but knowing that there is no other choice – at least, not at this point.

He glances at his watch before dashing to the kitchen. He's still got two more patients, but his sessions with Mordred are always so draining, he doubts he'll get through the rest of the day without coffee.

He only has ten minutes before his next patient arrives, which means he's in such a rush that he almost knocks Merlin over.

"Sorry," he says, grabbing Merlin's shoulders and steadying them both.

"I thought you might like some coffee," Merlin says, holding up a steaming cup.

Arthur sighs in relief. "Merlin, you are honestly the most wonderful person I've ever met."

Merlin chuckles. "Mordred still being difficult, then?"

Arthur's mouth snaps shut guiltily. He hasn't told Merlin any of the particulars of his sessions with Mordred, but Merlin can tell enough from Arthur's demeanour after seeing the boy. Merlin presses a kiss to Arthur's temple. "You ok?"

"Just tired," he says, gulping at the coffee. "I'd better go, my next one is coming soon…"

"Go, I'll talk to you later."

Xxx

Arthur's last two sessions seem to take at least twice as long as they really do. The fact that Merlin is waiting for him seems like the only thing that keeps him upright. Finally, Arthur stumbles to the lounge and collapses on the couch.

"Hey," Merlin murmurs, squashing himself behind Arthur, his fingers working at Arthur's tense back.

Arthur just groans.

"You're too stressed," Merlin says, his long fingers digging into Arthur's knotted muscles. "Relax," Merlin urges, and Arthur tries to force his muscles to de-tense. "Arthur, this job isn't supposed to cause as much stress as it's causing you," Merlin continues. "I'm worried about you."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Merlin," Arthur says. "It's Mordred – I keep trying to help him, but it's like trying to help a ghost. He's –" Arthur cuts himself off before he can say too much.

"If Mordred is making you like this, maybe you shouldn't see him anymore."

"You know I can't do that. I can't just abandon him."

"You could refer him to someone else."

Arthur shakes his head emphatically. "No."

Merlin sighs, but doesn't argue. Arthur is melting under Merlin's touch and he feels his eyes drooping. He should be writing notes, but he's just too tired right now. Thank goodness he only sees Mordred once a week. Not that he isn't haunted by the boy's case every day, but it's much worse on the days that Arthur sees him.

Before he can drop off, Merlin shifts off Arthur to make supper. They eat quietly before Arthur retires for an early night. He tosses and turns while Merlin potters around the house doing who knows what. Finally, Merlin comes to bed and climbs in behind Arthur.

Arthur leans into him, but sleep doesn't come. His mind is filled with Mordred's face, and he can't stop thinking, trying to work out a way to get Mordred to trust him with more than a few sentences every week. He can tell from Merlin's breathing that he is asleep, but it eludes Arthur.

Finally, hours later, he slips into a restless sleep, but is not left undisturbed.

_Mordred's pale, dead face stares up at him from the morgue bed. Even though his eyes are closed, Arthur feels like Mordred is watching him._

"_It was a blunt force trauma to the head," the doctor is saying. "It looks like his father has been hitting him for a while; this time was just a little bit too hard. Poor child. If only someone had helped him."_

_The doctor moves away, mumbling about the state of the world. Arthur stares at him and as he watches, Mordred's eyelids snap open. His piercing blue eyes find Arthur's and refuse to release him. _

"_You didn't help me," Mordred says, and his voice sounds like the voice of a thousand tortured souls. "You knew he was hitting me, you knew this would happen. You did nothing. I'm dead because of you. You killed me."_

"_No, no, I didn't!" Arthur pleads with him, staggering backwards, but Mordred's eyes follow him. "Please, I tried, I tried to help you!"_

_Mordred's corpse slowly sits up and slips off the table. It starts to advance on Arthur, never looking away._

Arthur wakes up screaming so loudly his throat hurts.

"Arthur! Arthur, calm down!"

Merlin's voice is by his ear, but Arthur is thrashing, desperately trying to get away from Mordred and his accusing glare.

"Arthur, stop it!"

With strength Arthur would never guessed he had in him, Merlin pins Arthur's body to the bed with his own, sitting on his torso and holding his arms down. "Arthur, calm down," he says firmly. He stays there until Arthur stops struggling and takes a jagged breath.

"What happened?" Merlin asks softly, caressing Arthur's face.

"He – Mordred – I – Merlin, I can't help him – I'm trying, but… if he ends up dead – my fault – I…"

Arthur realises he is sobbing when Merlin gently wipes the tears from his face. He presses a kiss to Arthur's wet mouth.

"It's ok, Arthur," he croons. "You'll find a way to help Mordred, I know you will." He rolls over, pulling Arthur up against him, holding tightly.

Arthur just presses his face into Merlin's chest, focusing on breathing. "What if I can't?" he whispers.

"You will," Merlin says firmly, and with such confidence in his voice that Arthur can almost believe him.

"I – I feel like my whole life is spiralling inwards, into Mordred's," Arthur confesses. "It's like the more I get drawn in, the less I can get out – and I couldn't have gotten out from day one."

"It's ok," Merlin repeats. "He'll be fine, you both will."

Arthur would probably cry or talk some more, but exhaustion overwhelms him, and he falls asleep in Merlin's arms. What he doesn't know is that Merlin stays up all night, whispering soft, comforting things in his ear. All Arthur knows is that he wakes up the next morning without any further nightmares.

To be continued


End file.
